With that, she proceeded to watch cars go by, observe the people walking into the restaurant, look at the landscaping just outside the window and study the pictures on the wall.

All the while, the child carried on with his business - playing out a rather serious temper tantrum. Gradually, however, as he realized that his fussing was not going to get any further response from his mother, his noises began to diminish until, finally, he was quiet.

When the mother sensed that her son was sufficiently settled, she smiled at him and asked him a question (presumably, something like, "Are you finished?"). He nodded, "Yes." They hugged. She stood up, took her relaxed, happy child by the hand and returned to their table.

Now seated at our own table, we were able to observe the mother and child with their family who quietly continued their meal until they finally left without further incident.

At the time, we didn't realize how important that episode would become in our lives, but, in retrospect, it was huge.

It was a classic "teachable moment" for us, and here's why.

ENTER EMILY . . .

On Monday of that week, we had received a new student into our preschool. At 18 months, Emily was already one of those students who makes her mark wherever she goes. Since her older sister had been with us for some time before Emily's arrival, we had been seeing Emily as an infant. From the start, we knew she was exceptional. Early on, she would study us with piercing eyes as if she were trying to figure us out. She would rarely smile (quite the opposite of her congenial older sister), and soon began to display a generally contrary attitude about much of what entered her life. But these sharp contrasts were not because she lacked intelligence. Far from it. She was and is among the most mentally gifted of all the students ever enrolled in our school!

At the very least, this child was a surprise to her parents, both intelligent, caring Ph.D physicists, who had experienced a normal, happy life with their first child. Now their quality of life was being invaded by new and unwanted stresses. They weren't sure how to handle the situation, so they looked to us for help. We were supposed to be the experts!

BACK TO THE RESTAURANT

As we watched the wise mother apply her child management technique, my mind quickly went to Emily.
"How do you think that approach would work with Emily?" I asked my wife.
"I don't know, but we could try it," she responded with a wry smile and a twinkle in her eye.
So we did . . . and it worked!

It wasn't that this approach was entirely new to our thinking, for we had already been doing something along this line. But, more than anyone else, Emily helped us to formalize the idea into a usable, teachable technique. For that we are forever grateful. Thus, the dedication of this book to Emily!

A FRESH APPROACH EMERGES

Gradually, as we applied the idea to other children, refinements were adopted and a name emerged. Research and consultation with respected child psychologists confirmed that we were on a safe track. We began sharing our findings, first with parents and later with other child care professionals. Soon we began to receive invitations to offer these ideas in more formal ways.

While presenting these and other practical child management tools in a workshop called Discipline Without Damage, we were repeatedly encouraged to put our ideas into writing without delay, especially the behavior management technique now dubbed the "THINK SPACE".

As is the case with any development of this type, it was not a sudden idea; nor can we credit a single source for our inspiration, although the restaurant story and the entrance of Emily into our lives certainly were pivotal. More realistically, however, the technique which we present here is the result of 28 years of parenting four normally energetic and creative children, 28 years of professional work with other people's children and as many years of reading and research. Add the observation of countless behavioral scenarios, all of which worked in some way, either to the advantage of the child, or to the advantage of the supervising adult, and sometimes (if only rarely) to the benefit of BOTH the child and the supervising adult.

SEARCHING FOR WIN-WIN SITUATIONS

It is that last category which is the focus of this book - finding ways to manage children that end up as WIN-WIN situations. The goal is to create outcomes in which both the children and the adults involved in their lives win on some level!

As young parents, we found ourselves using discipline techniques similar to those of our parents and their parents before them. We were determined to do at least as good a job with our kids as our parents had done with their kids! No one needed to teach us (so we thought). We had learned well from our parents!

HOWEVER . . . the day came when, due to unexpected changes in my employment, I joined my wife, Carolyn, in the preschool which we had purchased for her, never guessing that one day I would join her in that classroom!

THE WORST DAY AND THE BEST DAY The day I entered an environment in which my tried-and-true physically-oriented discipline techniques were no longer acceptable, was the worst day and the best day of my life!

That day was the worst because I came to realize that, in spite of surviving life with four kids (all of whom were experiencing above-average success in their various fields of interest), I could no longer use many of the physical "incentives" which I had relied on as a young parent, and later as the principal of a private school which I had helped to start. With those techniques removed, I saw myself as nearly "bankrupt" in my ability to motivate young children to do what I wanted them to do!

(The painful truth was that I did not actually get creative about communicating with young children, until the physically-oriented methods that I thought had served me well, were no longer options!)

It was the best day because I was forced to learn to communicate with children on a level almost unknown to me, hard as it was to admit it. (A very tell-tale symptom of the stress I was experiencing was the giant headache I had generated by noon every day for the first two weeks in my new environment!)

I wanted desperately to figure out how to effectively communicate with those little guys and gals. It was a resolve that eventually led us to some ideas that would completely revise the way we view children and how we work with them.

The net result is that we now approach child management with a relaxed confidence which is surprisingly free of stress. In fact, we have come to call the system "LowStress Child Management"1 for, when practiced properly, stress is drastically reduced for both child and adult.

"AHHH . . . RELIEF AT LAST!"

One midsummer day, while overhearing Carolyn's end of a phone conversation with one of our classroom substitutes, a particular dynamic in this approach surfaced that should be emphasized here.

While we were away for a few days of rest, Betty was having a lot of trouble with Jackson, an unusually energetic and sometimes abrasive four-year-old.

"I've had him in the Think Space six times today already (it was only 10 a.m.), and he just isn't getting any better!" she was complaining on the phone.

Stop right there!
Is the Think Space for Jackson or is it for Betty?
Yes . . . to both questions!

In this case, Betty is discouraged because she isn't getting the results that she would like to see in Jackson. Does that mean that the Think Space isn't working? For the moment, let's assume the Think Space is doing nothing at all for Jackson today. Does that mean that the Think Space isn't working?

No, it doesn't; because, even though Jackson isn't seeming to be influenced by his time in the Think Space, it is still giving Betty a safe alternative for dealing with her frustration - Jackson!

The reality is that there are times when we allow certain children, be they our own or someone else's, to drive us right to the edge of losing control of ourselves. At those moments, whatever action we take is for our own coping and only indirectly for the child's benefit.

In those instances, the Think Space becomes a place to deposit our stresses and frustrations as an option among other less acceptable alternatives.

IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU DO IT!

As for the technique, like anything else, it can be beneficially used and seriously abused. The purpose of this book is to help its readers understand the usefulness of this technique, while teaching HOW to apply the technique so that both child and adult get to the other side of a given issue with patience, respect and task fulfillment all intact!

If your own emotional control with young children is ever an issue with you, let us show you a way to handle even the most difficult child without so much as a raised voice, a moment of scolding or a harsh look. Impossible, you say? In the past, I would not have believed that unruly behavior could be handled so peacefully. Gratefully, "the anvil of experience" has given us a tool which has proved to be the single most effective strategy that we have ever used for managing unacceptable behavior! And it works nearly all the time! Too good to be true? Not at all, for we see it work every day. In fact, we have seen the stress level of parenting and of professional child care reduced by half . . . at least!

ASKING VS. TELLING

In a nutshell, the spirit of this whole approach is the difference between asking a child to do something and telling him to do the same thing. As busy, often preoccupied adults, we frequently take what appears to be the most efficient course of action for getting something done.

• "Bobby, pick up the toys."
• "Jamie, turn off the TV."
• "Stevie, get your hands off your brother."

As commands, each of these orders meets the tests of directness and positive communication. So, what could be wrong with them? For starters, where is courtesy in those commands? Shouldn't the adult treat the child with the same courtesy he or she would want for himself?

• "Bobby, please pick up the toys."
• "Jamie, please turn off the TV."
• "Stevie, would you please keep your hands off your brother?"

The difference between asking and telling is most easily revealed in the follow-up to those commands: when the teller follows up, he says to the child, "What did I tell you to do?" while the asker says, "What did I ask you to do?"

You ask, "What difference does any of this make?"

The difference is so important that we really need to talk about it. We want to help you see that the difference is actually a difference in attitude. We want you to see that the asking mind-set is more humane - and in the long run, more productive - than the telling mind set. The result - the kinds of behavior you want to see in your child.

Every time you tell a child to do something, you invite a contest. Every time you ask a child to do something, you invite a voluntary kind of response. The bottom line - asking is much more likely to develop a child's inner control while telling is likely to encourage rebellion, disrespect and deviousness.

MANAGERS VS. CONTROLLERS

Before concluding these introductory remarks, we need to emphasize that the Think Space is more about management and less about control.

Throughout this book,

"to manage" means to rearrange that which already exists to bring about a desired result that does not yet exist; to regroup or to reframe the stuff of which life is composed into a productive order.

Other terms that further describe the spirit of the Think Space: to lead, to guide, to facilitate.

So, what is the difference between managing and controlling?

All people, including children, need to be respected. Most people, including children, instinctively feel disrespected when they feel controlled. Furthermore, most people, especially children who are inherently strong-willed, resist external control, and are more likely to challenge the other person's control than they are to conform to it!

In the end, the controller creates more problems for himself than he solves because he is "swimming upstream" against the flow of human nature, not to mention his belittlement of human dignity!

The manager begins by accepting disruptive or other unacceptable behavior as having some teaching value. The controller tends to deny that such behavior has teaching value and tries to squelch it or to make it go away - immediately, if not sooner.

Both the controller and the manager want the children under their care to learn how to handle life, but use two very different approaches. The controller thinks that the child will learn best if he does as the controller says, thereby placing himself at the center of the learning process. The manager, on the other hand, helps the child learn, through personal experience, how to handle life and its problems, thereby placing experience at the center of the learning process. (Obviously, there are some things that we definitely do NOT want a child to experience, but those are only a tiny fraction of everything a child learns, especially in the first five years.)

"THE DIFFERENCE . . . IS SUBSTANTIAL!"

In the short term, the outcomes of the two approaches may look similar, but in the long term the difference between the two approaches is substantial.

• The controller ultimately develops people who FOLLOW while the manager develops people who LEAD.
• The controller teaches people to use HIS judgment while the manager teaches people to develop and trust their OWN judgment.
• The controller teaches people that HE can best solve their problems, while the manager teaches people to solve their OWN problems.
• The controller teaches DEPENDENCE while the manager teaches INDEPENDENCE.

Ironically, the Think Space can be a useful tool for both the behavior manager and the behavior controller. However, more than any other behavior management tool in our experience, this one offers built-in factors which slant it toward the behavior manager model and away from the behavior controller, especially when applied as described in the chapters that follow.

Finally, since we want this book to be a very practical tool, we have constructed it in a user-friendly format. The early part of the book will be very pragmatic. After an opening story and a brief outline, we offer some basic procedures for applying the Think Space technique. Then, for a more detailed view of this process, Chapter 6 - WHY the Think Space Works - will take you into more technical background information. Chapter 7 challenges us to apply the joyful lifestyle of children to our own lives and offers practical insight to a nearly-ignored part of life when it comes to managing children - the miracle of believing! S THE

"FROSTING ON THE CAKE"

The last section, Enhancements, is a collection of key ideas that help ensure success in the use of the Think Space. We have separated these ideas from the main text, not because they are of less importance, but to help you focus on the main ideas as they are being presented. In truth, the Enhancements are just as important as the earlier chapters of this book. They are to the Think Space what tires are to a car - both are essential. For that reason we ask that you give every Enhancement the same quality of attention that you give the first part of this text.

Now, let's open the door to that wonderful new place -
the THINK SPACE!