Summary

For most adults, backtalk from children is one of the most irritating things that they encounter. To make matters worse, we agree that there is simply no justification for it. However, how we instinctively handle this issue with reprimands, swats and lectures, unfortunately is likely to encourage more of the same. So, how do we handle backtalk?

In the "full text" version of our reply, you will find seven areas that need special attention as you address this thorny issue. You will find that we adults often unconsciously set the stage for disrespectful backtalk in the way we respond to the children in our lives. In the end, however, you will find that when you finally establish an atmosphere of respect in your environment, whether at home or in the classroom, you will find that backtalk somehow just melts away.

To go to the "full text" version, click here...

Full Text

Dear Susanna -

Although it is a natural and normal thing with most children, disrespectful and argumentative backtalk is a thorny issue and really grates against responsible adults. But take heart; here are some tips that work well when you use them correctly.

First, understand that, even though argumentative backtalk makes us uncomfortable, it is actually a sign of growth and maturing. That compliant little child who used to lavish hugs and kisses on you is realizing and exercising her own identity, and that is good.

Next, understand that, as adults, we tend to respond to and talk to children in ways that invite disagreement. This is especially true when we work with children who have strong personalities and assertive dispositions. (We get away with it most of the time, mostly because we're bigger and stronger than they are.) So, what to do?

1. MINIMIZE RESPONSES - Adults need to understand that most of the time children do what they do to create a response in another person. To a child, it doesn't matter whether that response is positive or negative. The issue is the response; the more emotional the response, the greater the perceived success of that experiment. So, the rule of thumb for adults is to either ignore inappropriate verbiage for the moment, or respond to it in an unemotional, matter-of-fact way.

2. AVOID ANSWERING ARGUMENTS - You can never win an argument with a child. The moment you step into an argument, you place yourself on the defensive. Better to just smile and patiently turn away to something or someone else than to try to prove yourself right or the child wrong. Either that, or quietly proceed as if there is no disagreement. You'll be amazed at how readily your child will cooperate with your positive actions.

3. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES CAREFULLY - Adults tend to impose their own preferences on children and thereby create needless battles. The point here is to be very selective with the things that you say or choices you insist on. Make sure that what you choose to make an issue actually matters more in the long run than your relationship with that child!

4. MAKE ROOM FOR NATURAL CONSEQUENCES - If a child wants to wear plaid against paisley print, let it happen. Her peers may help her change her mind without your ever getting into an argument about it. If she insists on going out in the cold without appropriate warmth, let her go. She'll be more careful next time.if you haven't made an argument over that area in the first place.

5. GUIDE WITH QUESTIONS - As adults, we tend to tell our children what to do, how to do it, and when without realizing that we may be smothering the very children we aim to protect. Instead, the older they get, the more important it is to guide with questions instead of commands. And it is important to frame those questions with neutral rather than loaded words. For example, instead of, "Don't you think you ought to wear a warmer coat?" say, "Have you thought about wearing a warmer coat?" A small, but very important difference.

6. DELAY CONTROVERSIAL DISCUSSIONS UNTIL LATER - Instead of pressing though an emotional issue when it comes up, make a mental note and bring it up later when the air between you is clear. You'll get farther with less wasted energy because the pathways to the rational parts of the brain will be more open later than they were at the moment of tension.

7. MAKE PERMISSION CONDITIONAL - When your child comes to you with a request but makes it in an inappropriate way, or tries to argue with your answer, you have several good choices. You may say, "I'll talk to you about that when you speak to me with patience and respect," and then hold firmly to that condition. Or, you may say, "You may have cake when you have tried (not finished) all the food on your plate," and then be sure to follow through with that promise. Or, you may say what you want from her and then quietly avoid any other response until she does as requested or directed.

In the end, it is absolutely necessary to avoid negative or disgusted attitudes on your part if the channels of communication between yourself and your child are to be opened or stay open. Just as light always dispels darkness, even so, your positive, gentle spirit will eventually win over your child's negative argumentative spirit. If you consistently follow what we have outlined here, you will see that happen sooner than later.

These are some general principles that address your question. If you care to be more specific, we will be happy to help you apply these principles to whatever other situations you ask about.

In any case, let's keep in touch.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES AT THIS WEBSITE:

The five-part series titled, "Whatever Happened to Respect?"

The two-part series titled, "Threats & Warnings."

The two-part series titled, "The Arguing Child."