Summary

The alarm in your question is obvious. Life can become so very complicated when the normal result of sex produces a child, not to mention the short and long-term psychological consequences of early sex. What you obviously need that you have not yet found is a way to truly communicate with your daughter.

First, however, you need to understand what does not motivate a young person to restrain sexual passions. You have already experienced some of those, such as pure logic, fear and lectures. What you now need to understand is what does motivate a young person to stand strong against the majority that is out there treating sex as a game, or toy. Those factors include (but are not limited to) factors such as an active, purposeful lifestyle and a trusting relationship with her father or significant other nurturing father figure.

To see explanations for these two factors and six others, click here...

Full Text

Dear Diane -

I can feel both pain and panic in your writing: pain because you sense that your daughter is, herself, heading for unnecessary misery, and panic because you seem unable to stop her. Both are quite understandable. You are, after all, her mother. In the end, however, experience is the ultimate teacher. If your daughter doesn't gain wisdom through the experience of others, she will have to gain that wisdom through her own experience.

Still, there are some experiences from which it is our parental responsibility to spare our children. Sex before marriage and early parenting are two such experiences. We apparently agree on those standards. HOW we communicate those standards is where people most frequently make mistakes. And while your concern and your efforts to communicate with your daughter are commendable, it is likely that some, if not all, your efforts to communicate with and police your daughter are being misread and may be doing more to alienate her from you than to help her understand the perils of the path she is wanting to take.

In the end, you need too be asking, "What is it that has kept other early teens away from such activity?" Who do you know that has personally been successful through those years or has guided their teen(s) through those years? Ask them what it was that was the greatest influence in helping hold the higher standard of sexual purity.

Here are some of the things you will probably NOT find as primary motivators:

1. Pure logic. (Lots of really smart and logical people fall into the pre-marriage sex trap.)

2. Fear of parental disapproval. (Children are well known for doing things they know their parents disapprove.)

3. Statistics. (As song as a statistic is less than 100% one way or another, the hormone-driven teen mind will risk all in the hope that they will be an exception to the statistic.)

4. Religion. (We all know about religious people who have fallen to the temptation of inappropriate sex.)

5. Monitoring and policing. (Anyone can avoid the eye of exposure for a quick sex act if they try hard and long enough.)

So what WILL you find?

1. An active, purposeful lifestyle. (Many teens get into sexual trouble out of basic boredom; i.e., their abundant energies are not being appropriately guided into channels that truly engage their inner person. Too much sex-oriented entertainment and too little personal productivity.)

2. A trusting relationship with her father or significant other nurturing father figure, especially in the case of a girl. (Almost all girls who become inappropriately involved sexually have little or no relationship with their fathers. They are desperate for love and have been convinced, mostly by media messages, that sex is the quickest way to fulfill that need.)

3. Parents who have learned to talk WITH a child rather than TO the child. (It is always true that in communication, "engagement" is a key to real communication [See our article titled "Engagement" in the "Solutions/Monthly Articles" section of our www.dwd.com website.]. You can seem to get away with the practice of talking TO a child in the early years, but you can rarely get away with that practice in the teen years. Critical thinking develops rapidly during those years, and part of critical thinking is the built-in demand that the thinking of your teen be an honest part of discussions with adults, not just be out there to be criticized.)

4. Parents who are involved in their teen's life. (Parents have a responsibility to know where their child is and what he or she is doing, especially during the early teen years. They need to stay involved, because to not be involved is to send a message of permissiveness. Still, that involvement needs to be done in the context of low emotion and, if necessary, kindly spoken criticism. One side of a teen wants freedom, but another side - a side that is often hidden from the parent - wants the security of limitations and accountability. Care should be taken to avoid embarrassing your teen in front of other teens. Therefore, make every effort to communicate any concerns you have in private, preferably with both parents in attendance.)

5. Moral foundations of right and wrong. (In a society where few absolutes have survived, holding to standards that, to a teen-ager, look like nothing more than restrictive, legalistic black-and-white rules are a difficult thing to do. It is especially difficult when a family's lifestyle, whether present or past, represents a violation of those rules. However, when a parent will sympathetically admit to his or her teen that what they did or are doing was or is wrong - or at least not the best way to go - and that the parent's desire is for the teen to avoid the same mistakes, you have a chance to communicate effectively.)

6. Moral foundations that have accountability attached to them. (Most of the time, teens who are successful in maintaining sexual purity until marriage, do so in the company of other teens and adults who support that standard and to whom the teen feels directly or indirectly responsible. Furthermore, the success ratio of teens who maintain sexual purity is greatly enhanced where a teen's accountability extends beyond the human world and includes the spiritual world. It is never too soon for a child to enter a spiritual relationship with God that includes accountability to Him in addition to accountability to other humans. Consistent involvement in a church or synagogue youth group - while not a guarantee -can be a big, positive step in this direction.)

7. An increasing amount of trust and independence. (Parents who are successful in raising responsible teens have almost always set up a system where their teens gradually earn increasing trust and independence. On the other hand, teens who feel smothered by the concern and monitoring of their parents are more likely to violate the rules their parents have set up, if only to demonstrate their strength as an emerging adult. Along the way, it is important to acknowledge successes along these lines, both privately and to others.

8. In the end, the Golden Rule that states, "Do to others as you would have them do to you" is an important measuring stick for the management of your teen. The way you interpret that rule will have many applications, but you need to be honest with yourself as you constantly ask yourself the question, "Am I treating my daughter the way I would want to be treated?"

I'm going to sign off now. There is much to say along these lines that has not yet been said. Still, I hope that you will find some of these ideas to be helpful. I especially hope that you will do as we suggest and talk with people who have either personally been successful with sexual purity before marriage or who have parented teens who have been successful. I'd be interested to know what you find out!

All the best to you and your family, Cal Richert