I am having a big problem with my son in that he will not listen to me or to his teachers. How can I teach my son to listen?
Summary
Children ignore the instructions of their adult supervisors for many reasons. However, when you boil them down, there are only a few general reasons that they fail to listen: high among those reasons are the Entertainment Effect, Peer Pressure and Bio-Chemical Complications such as ADD & ADHD, but also including hearing and other sensory or cognitive limitations.
However, since the vast majority of children fit into three areas mentioned above, we will limit this discussion to those three general categories.
For a fuller discussion of those possibilities, please click here...
Full Text
Dear Patty,
A number of possible factors come to mind when I hear a situation like yours:
1. The entertainment effect.
2. Peer pressure.
3. ADD or ADHD.
Let me explain.
1. THE ENTERTAINMENT EFFECT - Getting adults irritated fulfills a power drive in children that nothing else can quite match. Not even adult approval is as entertaining as our disapproval, especially if we do it with drama and emotion. The way to disrupt that entertainment cycle is to dedicate oneself to a quiet, systematic response. That means that you and his teacher(s) would need to stick to the following guidelines:
a. Request something of him only once. If he fails to respond, you go TO him and quietly help him get started with whatever has been requested.
b. You can help him get started with or without more words, the fewer the better.
c. If you use words, avoid scolding of any kind. Instead, compliment him on getting started with whatever is being requested or directed.
d. Use the Three-Question Quiz, which is "What did I say?" What does that mean?" and "What are you going to do?" Notice that he will be saying the same thing three times, which will, by itself, motivate him from the inside out rather than just extract compliance from him.
2. PEER PRESSURE - You mentioned that he developed the ignoring habit when he began hanging around older boys. The influence of older boys can easily lead to the kind of behavior you are mentioning here. He wants to be accepted by them and unconsciously picks up their habits, especially the ones that are the most irritating to adults. Young children even put pressure on their peers by shunning them or freezing them out of the group if they don't behave by the group code. It's sad, but true. His desire to feel power may be accented as well by the lack of a positive male role model (father) in his life and is using the older boys as a substitute for that lack.
What to do?
a. Remove him from that detracting influence, if possible. It appears that is what you have attempted to do.
b. Have quiet, off-trauma chats about "honoring" the adults in his life by listening and following instructions. For the time being, have that discussion at the beginning and end of every day.
c. Do some listening exercises at home. Start small and work your way up. He needs to experience success and know that he has succeeded. Gradually go from single commands to multiple commands (two, then three, then four things to do). Give abundant affirmation in the form of "thank you" and other expressions of appreciation with each success until listening success becomes a habit.
d. Make listening worthwhile to him. Create some kind of thermometer-type chart that allows the teacher to indicate his overall listening level for the day. Arrange some kind of reward system at various levels. Always emphasize how well he is honoring you and/or the teacher, rather than emphasizing the external reward. Eventually, your external rewards need to be discontinued while the pleasure of listening well will be its own reward.
e. Arrange for an appropriate man to have some regular role in his life.
3. ADD or ADHD - You are probably acquainted with the terms, ADD and ADHD, meaning Attention Deficit Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. In short, the primary evidence of ADD is an apparent inability to focus on anything for more than a short time. ADHD is similar to ADD but with intense energy that seems uncontrollable at times. I mention these two clinical conditions because ADD could be a part of his inattentiveness. Since this is a clinical matter, you would need to have him tested at a reputable psychological agency for diagnosis and treatment. However, whether or not he is 'gifted' with either of those conditions, his ignoring tendencies are very likely being fueled by the first two factors given above. The suggestions in #1 & 2 work well for children with or without ADD or ADHD.
Finally, be sure to consider the possibility of hearing or cognitive (the ability to understand instructions) problems. While a very small percentage of children actually experience those problems, to ignore the possibility could make matters worse.
All the best to you. Let's keep in touch.
