We have a new baby in the house and our 5-year-old seems to do everything he can think of to hurt or bother his new sister. Besides being dangerous for the baby, I'm concerned about what our older child is showing with his behavior. What can we do?

Summary

For a first child to feel a sense of competition when a new child comes into the family is quite normal. All of a sudden, the first child has to share almost everything.most importantly his mommy and daddy! So, the question becomes, "How do you go about reducing that sense of competition and displacement?"

There are a lot of things that can and should be done. We can't be exhaustive here, but we can give you a plan that covers most of the bases. These include such things as helping hands, imposed concessions, life rhythm, special times and conflict intervention. Once on the right track, you will find other things that reduce stress and still keep you in command of your family's safety and well being. The most important thing, however, is that you cultivate a culture of teamwork and gratitude. Once that is in place, most of the problems you are seeing will evaporate.

For the full text of our response, click here...

Full Text

Dear Malinda -

Thanks for taking the time to explain your situation regarding the conflict between child #1 and #2, the new arrival. What you describe is perfectly normal, so take heart, your older child is not uniquely "resistant" and yes, you can help the situation improve.

As I write this note, I am thinking about what I saw just a few minutes ago. We have two grandsons, five and two, staying with us for the weekend. As I peeked in the room this morning before they woke up, I saw something that spoke a lot to this subject of new arrival sibling rivalry. As they slept, the older one, lying on his side, had reached over and lovingly placed his arm over his brother's chest. It was the cutest thing. But I had to remember that not long ago there were some serious conflicts between the boys, most of which have dissolved by now. And, even though what I saw was an unconscious action, it does show what's happening on a subliminal level. The important thing is that this change was accomplished through the activities and attitudes we are now going to share with you.

1. HELPING HANDS - Since most children love to help, make a point of having your #1 child help take care of "his baby." Create opportunities for him to help as you feed the baby, change diapers, do the wash, push the stroller, sing and read to her. Make sure he has opportunities to hold the baby (with your help, of course). Be careful to avoid demanding his help or interrupting an independent work cycle without advance notice. We suggest making frequent use of the term "need", as in, "Joey, I need your help here." Make sure he does "real" things, however, so that he doesn't end up feeling "used." As he helps, be sure to express gratitude (as opposed to constant compliments). Include comments to the baby about being thankful for Joey's help, thus extending recognition beyond the two of you to another person. For a while, make a physical list of the ways Joey has helped with the baby and then show it to Daddy when he comes home.

2. IMPOSED CONCESSIONS - Be careful how you call for concessions or impose limitations on your son because of the baby's needs. For example, how you ask for quiet when the baby is sleeping, how you say you have to do something for the baby before you can go to the park, saying you can't play with him because of the baby's needs, etc. While all those things are true and legitimate, be careful how you express them and how often you say them, because he could be feeling inconvenienced by the baby's presence.

For starters, frame your comments in the positive instead of the negative, as in, "Joey, let's do something quiet for a few minutes while baby goes to sleep," in the place of, "Joey, don't make noise while baby goes to sleep." (By the way, it is in your family's best interest to help children get accustomed to sleeping through noise.) When you have to do something for the baby and Joey wants you to do something else, instead of saying, "Not now, I have to feed the baby," say, "We can all go outside as soon as we finish feeding baby," etc.

3. LIFE RHYTHM - As much as possible, set up a schedule and review the next one or two events frequently with #1 so that he knows what comes next. Children who grow up with a healthy dose of structure develop more emotional stability than those who are allowed to spontaneously "float" through life. Furthermore, it will be the "schedule" that limits him instead of the baby, which takes the focus (or blame) off the baby. You see, children respond well to schedules because they love order and rhythm in life, even though they may express the opposite reaction at the time.

4. SPECIAL TIMES - As part of that schedule, include a special time that is just between you and him (or between Daddy and him) during each day without the baby's presence. Plan ahead, with his input, what you will be doing during that time.

5. CONFLICT INTERVENTION - When there is a squabble over a toy or other possession, appeal to Joey's ability to choose his response, as in, "Joey, what is your best choice here?" instead of jumping in and settling the situation for him. In that way, he will develop an internal and independent sense of respect for his sibling rather than a sense of competition.

It is important that you get going with these ideas before you deal more directly with your specific situations. The fact is that, if you reduce the pressure on the rivalry front, some of the other challenges you are experiencing will either become less severe or disappear altogether.

Meanwhile, we'd love to know how things are going. All the best to you...