Summary

A merged household with the conditions you describe is a ready-made recipe for stress at best and disaster at worst. You are wise in voicing your concerns, because long-term damage is not only possible; it's probable.unless the members of your family (including you and your fiancé) quickly change the way you communicate with and correct one another.

However, simply deciding to do things better will not be enough in your case. The seven members of your family represent many conflicting ideas about life and carry a lot emotional luggage. The good news is that nothing is impossible under the right conditions. The hard news is that it will take a definite plan that is carefully and patiently carried out before much will change. We detail such a plan in the full-text version of this reply.

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Full Text

Teresa -

Thanks for trusting us with the challenges of a merged household.

So far as the relationship of your children to your fiancé's children is concerned, your primary focus has to be the well being of your children. In our view, living in the situation you describe will almost certainly lead to long-term, if not permanent, psychological damage unless things change dramatically -- and fast.

Siblings born of the same parents who grow up together in their birth household will fight and have their peculiar rivalries. Deep down, however, they usually love each other deeply and will even give their lives for one another if push comes to shove.

In your case, however, that glue of love between the two families is missing, at least for the present. In fact, the older children of the home (particularly the younger teen of whom you speak) are probably feeling invaded, maybe even imposed upon. They do not understand, nor should they be expected to share the relationship that you and the teenagers' father have developed. In all likelihood, there is a lot of unfinished business in the teens regarding their birth mother. The same may be true of your 3-year-old about his birth father.

Historically, merged families face lots of challenges similar to those you describe. However, in your case, I fear the odds are stacked against you. I am particularly concerned about the effect of the young teen of whom you speak on your 3-year-old. That young teen may grow up to be a fine adult, but that will not fix the problems she creates along the way. It may even be that she is attacking your child as a gesture against you, the replacement for a mother she lost in the family's break-up. Even in a stable home, those early teen years are typically the most difficult years of life, both for the teen and for the rest of the family. The same is probably especially true of your young teen whose birth mother is no longer a day-to-day part of her life.

Look. The brain, in fact the whole psyche of a person -- especially the mind of a young child like yours -- is a constant and permanent recorder. Everything a child hears and experiences counts toward his future. Your teen probably cannot understand such realities at this time, nor should you try to make her understand with threats or force. That would only cause even more resentment. Nor would it be wise to pressure the father to do more to control his daughter.

If you and your children had no choice in your domestic relationships, that is one thing. But why would you continue to submit your children to a situation that you cannot support or control? You don't even have the benefit of a marriage commitment yet to support the integration of your two families. It seems to me that your son and daughter have much to lose in that situation. You may have to take a bold step of faith, but your children will be the beneficiaries of your strength.

On the other hand, nothing is impossible. If you are determined to make this new family work, you should take several steps immediately:

1. Do a few fun things every week as a family. No outside friends on those occasions for the time being. Just family.

2. Have at least one meal per day together. Sit down together, start your meal together and require each person to ask to be excused at the close of the meal.

3. Ask for volunteers from the teens to teach your son and daughter different things the older children have already learned. Make up chore teams with the little ones teaming with the big kids. In this way, everyone wins.

4. Get some professional help in making your family work. Usually an uninvolved third party can recognize and help to fix domestic problems much more readily than people within the family.

5. In quiet times that are free of stress or conflict, talk privately and quietly with the younger teen about the long-term effects of putting a child down. This may require several conversations, but your quiet and courteous perseverance will go a long way.

6. Look on the Internet for information on merged families. It's out there. Just go for it! Try starting with http://www.familyresource.com/parenting/blended-families/stepfamily-problems, which introduces the topic of StepFamilies and then gives more resources at the end of the article.

7. Attend a DWD seminar series or some other good parenting course. You and your fiancé need to be on the same page in regard to parenting. We can help you do that. If physical attendance is impossible, purchase a copy of the home study seminar series.

Let's keep in touch.