Summary

First, you need to realize that there is no scientific evidence that we know about that shows the pacifier to be harmful to the normal development of a child's mouth or psyche. Therefore, weaning a child from the binki before he or she voluntarily throws it away becomes either a social issue or a parental preference, but, apparently, not a health issue.

On the other hand, if you think it is time for a child to give up the pacifier, the least disruptive and most effective way to do that involves a two-pronged approach, consisting of setting a target date with the child some reasonable time in the future and then consistently preparing the child along the way as the target date approaches.

For a fuller explanation of the details for that approach, click here...

Full Text

Dear Gretchen -

As I was writing the following reply, I was able to call a well-known veteran child psychologist-researcher friend about the comments of your dentist and pediatrician about the pacifier having a negative dental effect. In any case, my colleague's comment was essentially this, that he has not seen any research showing that a binki, by itself, deforms the mouth or the removal of it - sudden or gradual - misshapes the psyche. My friend is one of the most often-quoted researchers in child development and behavioral science, so we place a lot of credence in what research he says is or is not out there. On the other hand, if either one of your doctors has research to support their concerns, we would love to know about it.

As you probably know, the binki is the focus of many and varied opinions among child development specialists as well as parents. Obviously, by allowing the binki in the first place, you have sided with those who hold that the binki provides a reasonable substitute for the continuation of the sucking instinct that begins at birth and is essential to a child's survival in the early going.

The question then becomes, how much is enough? Is it possible to allow a child too much of a good thing in the form of the binki, or is a parent justified in providing enforced limitation? In our judgment, the answer is "yes" to both questions.

Too much of a good thing - While the sucking instinct is native to every human, when extended with a binki, that innocent sucking reflex can quickly evolve into a manipulative situation, as has occurred in your case. As we pointed out in the first email, it is easy to see how your bright little Beth is using the binki to extend her claim on the advantages that come with infancy. It is safe to say that by this time in her life, she probably has little to no developmental need to continue the sucking reflex and that what remains is a habit that is being continued because it has proven to be successful in her eyes.

Back to her success: what is it? The traumas she is inflicting on you and your reactions to them are feeding her success. Every time you give in to her for whatever reason after saying "no" is a success.

Enforcing limitations - So, what is the bottom line here? Simply put, she probably doesn't "need" the binki any longer. You could take it from her "cold turkey" (although we don't necessarily recommend that option) and she would eventually get over it without any ongoing damage to her psyche (inner person). How quickly she would get over it would depend on how much and what kind of attention you give her objections. But that is true in any case.

So, what to do instead of "cold turkey?" Here's the plan:

1. Prepare a calendar that lists the occasions when she may use the binki. For more details, look at paragraph. 3 of point #2 below.

2. During a time when the air between you is clear and happy and she is not using the binki, help her understand that the dentist wants her to have a really beautiful smile and that continuing to use the binki will hurt her face. Show her a picture of a child with a beautiful smile that shows a fine set of teeth. (Use the picture frequently to help her visualize the goal.)

3. Now show her the calendar. Explain that, beginning on a certain day (give her two choices between adjacent days when she will start - say, 2 or 3 days from when you first talk about it) she will begin to use the binki fewer and fewer times during the day until, by the end of whichever month you choose, she will not need the binki any more and she can send it bye bye. Have a package ready to show her that will be used to send the binki away. (It can go to grandma, or to a favorite aunt, or anyone else that is meaningful to her.) Every day before you start the program, go to the calendar and talk about the plan for a few seconds.

4. On the calendar, have listed the times when using the binki will be okay. Help her look forward to the times when she WILL be able to use the binki rather than naming the times that she WON'T be allowed to use it. On the finish date, draw a binki with wings or something on that order to symbolize the end of the binki. At the start of every day, look at the calendar with her and review the times when she will be allowed to use the binki "if she needs it." Make sure she understands that she doesn't HAVE to use it at those times. She may even surprise you by giving it up ahead of time.

5. Be sure to use a plan that gradually reduces the OCCASIONS when the binki can be used. In other words, make the limitations to be events (like before individual meals, before naptimes or bedtimes, in the car, when she is sad, etc.) rather than amounts of time. Try to use periods of time that have clear starting and ending times. You already know that taking the binki away during an event will almost certainly be met with a fuss.

6. Once explained, you must stick to your plan without exception. Any exception will threaten the success of the plan, guaranteed. Consistency will help to ensure its success. Part of that plan may mean that you have to destroy all binkis (I wouldn't announce that part of the plan) except the one she will be using during this time and keep that one under lock and key!

7. A second thing that will ensure success is your quiet and calm responses to her objections when she tries to derail the plan. Here's what to do. Absolutely stay steady and unflappable. When she asks for her binki at an inappropriate time, you calmly take her to the calendar and ask her, "When does the calendar say you may use the binki next?" "What does that mean?" And finally, "What are you going to do?"

Since all three answers will essentially be the same, she will begin to feel motivated from the inside. If you need to do so, repeat the questions. She doesn't need to answer you clearly at first. You can even help her show the next event on the calendar without her actually saying it. The point is that you are appealing to the schedule rather than to a person. The child instinctively understands that it is harder to negotiate with a set schedule than with a person. And you are doing it with questions rather than with statements. That technique alone makes a huge difference.

8. If she chooses to cry and fuss about not having the binki when she wants it, prepare a "Think Space" where she goes or is taken to drain her emotions. She may join you or whomever when she is "finished" with her fuss.

If you will consistently follow this plan, you will find success. Let us know how things work out.

All the best . . . Cal Richert