How do you stop a 4 almost 5 year to stop lying? My son will turn 5 soon and he is very intelligent and very curious. He is already starting to read and it only takes him a short time to figure stuff out. He has an older and younger brother. He loves to lie and it is not only to get out of trouble but just for the heck of it. He will then also lie when he does something wrong right in front of me. I like the independence too but their logic is not up to speed on some things. What is your suggestion?
Summary
Lying in a child is one of the more difficult things for most adults to handle. There are come consistent issues, however, behind lying. Among them are the way we relate to lying (thinking of it as stupid or intelligent), the kinds of questions we ask as we dig for the truth, the timing of our confrontations, the atmosphere of the home or classroom and the way you start your day.
This response is divided into 15 short sections that address several sides of the lying habit, ranging from underlying attitudes to birth order to techniques for discovering the truth.
For the full text of our response...
Full Text
Dear Carolyn,
I'm probably like you. I get really concerned when someone lies to me. In fact, for most of us, lying is probably one of the more difficult human conditions to handle emotionally, not to mention the difficulty of helping a child see the value of truth telling.
But, there are reasons for lying, however weak or distorted they may be. In spite of how simple telling the truth is to you and me, one of our jobs as parents and providers is to help our kids be honest and courageous about giving an accurate account of something that has or has not happened.
So, you ask, "How do we handle lying?" Gratefully, we have found several keys to unlocking the truth. We're happy to share them with you.
1) THE ACCOMMODATION FACTOR: Whatever else you can say about the child who lies, one thing is consistent; that he is almost always quite aware of what his adult supervisor (parent, teacher, leader) wants to hear and, in turn, slants his "story" in that direction. In that sense, you have to admire his ability to anticipate our responses and to accommodate us. After all, the lying child usually predicts, quite accurately, the reaction that the truth of a matter will generate in his victim and does what he can to avoid the expected negative reaction. In that sense, the child is showing insight and the ability to predict. Obviously, that doesn't make his wrongdoing right. It does, however, indicate intelligence and insight. Lying may look really stupid to us adults, but it does require above-average intelligence to do it well. Therefore, we need to, at least internally, recognize the intelligence involved in this habit, not just the stupidity of it. Once done, the tone in which we respond to lying will likely change from using sarcasm and harsh, insulting words to appealing more to the child's sense of logic, intelligence and courage - doing what's right no matter how difficult, because that's the smartest and best thing to do in the long run.
2) THE MAKE-BELIEVE FACTOR: We have found that we can often quickly disarm a lie without confrontation by using the simple question, "Now Joey, are you telling me the truth or is this make-believe?" You see, children do quite readily understand the difference between fantasy and reality and will frequently admit the difference, even when they want their fantasy to be true. In the end, this kind of question gives Joey "an easy out" if he is the least bit insecure about telling a lie in the first place. In other words, experimental liars usually will give up their lie with a simple question that divides between make-believe and reality, while more hard-core liars will tend to lie right through such questions. The point is that, by using a simple reality-check question, you may reduce further stress by a significant percentage.
3) THE ENTERTAINMENT FACTOR: Quite often, if not usually, children do what they do to generate a reaction in other people (i.e., in you, the parent). Therefore, you need to strictly avoid strong or loud expressions of excitement, anger or frustration in the face of a lie. Quiet responses take most of the "fun" out of lying because you aren't providing your child's entertainment! Have you ever thought of it that way?
4) THE MIDDLE CHILD SYNDROME: If you have been exposed to research or reading on birth order, you have, no doubt, noticed that middle children are often much different from their older and younger peers. While such differences "come with the territory", so to speak, those quirks can be greatly intensified, however unintentional, by the child's parents and other adults in his life. Particularly, if a middle child was not the youngest child for very long, he characteristically struggles with self identity by living in the shadow of his older, more advanced sibling on the one hand and by being deprived of the loving care and attention focused on his younger, more vulnerable sibling. Lying, then, is a rather predictable and effective tool in creating a personal identity, which can be far more rewarding to a child than simply pleasing his parents or other adult in his life.
5) PUNISHMENT: Contrary to popular belief, making life painful or difficult for a liar is a kind of entertainment or reward, and is, therefore, usually ineffective in discouraging lying, as you may have found out. Rather, what is more likely to happen is that the offender will think so much about his mistake that he will end up being attracted to it. Instead, when a child is caught in a lie, do your best to help him focus primarily on what he will do in the future, rather than what he has done wrong in the past.
6) ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTION: While questions are better than accusations, the right kinds of questions are extremely important. For example, instead of "What did you do?", ask, "What happened here?" This is a neutral question and carries no threat. And, instead of, "Why didn't you do your homework?", ask, "Why isn't your homework done?" In both cases, the child is more free to tell the truth, which does a lot to encourage truthfulness.
7) REPEAT YOUR QUESTION: Another very important technique is to ask the same question repeatedly until the answer that you know to be true is given. However, you must keep an even tone while you do this. Getting louder and louder is a form of threat that makes it less and less likely that you will hear the truth.
8) ACKNOWLEDGE THE TRUTH: When you finally get the truth, simply say, "Thank you for telling the truth." And let the matter drop with that, at least for the moment. No more comments are needed at that point; especially not correction or sarcasm. You see, when we follow the truth with punishment and scolding, we make telling the truth scary and painful. Such responses teach a rebellious child that truth telling is simply not worth the risk.
9) OFF-TRAUMA DISCUSSION: While it is important that you talk with your son at some point about his habit of lying, you need to do it in quiet moments that are free of stress between you. Technically speaking, discussing a sensitive matter like lying in the heat of the moment sends most of the incoming signals to her brain stem, which is his memorized reaction center where she "hides" in an effort to survive emotionally. Discussing a sensitive matter off-trauma is much more likely to flow to the cerebral cortex, which is the area of the brain where rational processing takes place, as long as the discussion stays quiet and non-threatening.
10) GIVE SPACE: It is important that you pick and choose your battles carefully. Regardless of what the actual fact may be about the situation creating the conflict of the moment, when you corner him, he probably feels smothered and lies, in part, to get you off his case...or to show you up. Of course, this works in reverse for both of you, but he isn't wise enough yet to recognize that: however, you are. Therefore, pick and choose your battles carefully. Some things just don't matter much in the long run, especially when the outcome of a battle may be a strained or broken relationship with your child. The truth is, no parent knows the truth about everything. And you don't have to either, at least not right now!
11) SET UP SMALL SUCCESSES: Your son needs to get used to telling the truth by reporting things where he has nothing to hide. You, then, courteously follow such descriptions with, "Thanks for sharing with me, and thanks for telling the truth." This gives his story some moral value and sub-consciously helps him get accustomed to truth telling. A good category of question for this exercise is the opinion question that has no right or wrong answer.
12) CREATE A FRIENDLY CULTURE: When things get as bad as you describe, it is easy to unconsciously create and reinforce an ongoing unfriendly home culture. After several confrontations in the evening, for example, you both go to bed angry and wake up the next morning in an angry mood, which sets you both up for an angry, unfriendly day. In contrast, be careful to start each day with a friendly attitude and maintain it, even in the face of unfriendliness on the part of your son. In so doing, you set the standard and refuse to let your son control you.
13) BE CONSISTENTLY POSITIVE: You have a situation that isn't going to get fixed overnight. However, if you will take what we have written to heart and consistently apply the practices we recommend here, you will find that lying will gradually tail off -- even end -- in the long run. But the most important player here is you, not your son. And the primary need is positive consistency.
14) CORRECT YOURSELF QUICKLY: We both know that no one is perfect. However, in a case like yours, you may have developed self-defeating habits over the years. So, when you find yourself responding inappropriately, simply stop and say, either to yourself or out loud, "Oops. That wasn't right. Let's do this differently." Your son may be shocked at first, but his respect for you will grow. And think how your self-image will flourish!
15) START YOUR DAY QUIETLY AND ALONE: Ten to fifteen minutes in the morning in quiet contemplation will do wonders for your day, and for your mother-son relationship. Avoid hitting the ground running. During your quiet time, envision positive responses to negative (or lying) situations. If you will do this consistently, the likelihood of your success will be greatly increased.
That's all for now. I have to get going, but I'll be glad to discuss these ideas more if you would like.
All the best to you and your family,
Cal
