"That's Not Fair!": Part 3 of 3
It's a frequent complaint heard from children just barely talking to mouthy teens. They use it as a club, and especially against parents.
The tragic truth is, it works enough of the time to encourage its use again and again. To a child, it doesn't need to be logical or accurate, just effective.
Children have learned that adults are so intimidated by accusations of injustice, that most any issue can be forced with those three powerful words, "It isn't fair!"
But, that weapon doesn't work at all on some adults. Instead, they offer a sarcastic retort like, "Whoever said life is fair?" But is that kind of response fair to the child?
Step back a moment and think. At the very least, that line reveals a sense of justice in children that is often overlooked. Of course, they are particularly sensitive when something is not in their favor. (Aren't we all?)
Not that we need to be giving in when it's used as leverage or accept the invitation to an argument. Still, there are several ways to respond to that accusation that can turn it to your advantage.
Ask the child (without attitude from you), "Okay, what IS fair?" Of course, if you don't agree (and you probably won't), you will need to work out some kind of compromise like a 50-50 split, or "We can work on that idea next time."
Along that line, a very effective option is to actually sit down later, when things are calm between you, to discuss the child's objections. You may find out he has a good point. Remember, if the child feels that you treat him like a real live human with feelings that matter, this conversation can do a lot to raise your child's respect for you.
Another viable option is to just smile and not give a direct answer. This is especially effective when you sense the child is simply trying to "push buttons". Instead, proceed as if the child has agreed with the original plan. It may surprise you so see how easily he goes along with you, once he is convinced that his accusation is failing to generate a reaction from you.
The goal here is to use your child's sense of justice as a building block to more understanding and communication between you.
Remember, that same line, in the form of a question, is available to you when that child does something against you! So, when your child lips off to you, you are totally justified in asking, "Now Shelly, is it fair for you to be talking to me this way?" Who knows, maybe Shelly's sense of justice will help her discipline her own lips.
So, whatever you do with those three powerful words, "That isn't fair," remember that they are an opportunity to communicate with that child. Use the opportunity and you will be glad you did. NOW, THAT'S FAIR!
