"But What About Shelly?": Part 2 of 3
In last month's article, two children were playing quietly with their new Play Station, when four-year- old Artie suddenly screamed, "IT'S MY TURN!"
But, instead of immediately correcting Shelly for wrongdoing, their mother followed our suggestion to work first with Artie. Why? Because he needed to learn to respond to injustice with more patience and skill.
After all, one of our most important tasks in raising children is helping kids learn how to respond to life's events, especially to things that are clearly unfair.
However, in the middle of Artie's corrective instruction, he asked (with ample attitude), "BUT. WHAT ABOUT SHELLY?"
Interpretation: "Shelly was wrong too. What are you going to do about her?"
I love that question, because it shows the child is thinking. But, he may also be directing responsibility away from himself.
Answer: For the moment, just say, "I'll talk with her in a minute. Right now we need to help you."
But, what about Shelly? Assuming she is in the wrong, do you scold her, dictate a solution, ground her, give her hard choices?
First, if you're prone to punish, consider this. Punishment rarely changes a child's behavior. It usually just delays it!
Instead, here are some positive options that all have two important things in common. They all look forward and they increase sensitivity to others.
If specific guidelines for taking turns have not been arranged, help the two kids work out what they think would be fair. Then, hold Shelly to her own commitment.
If specific guidelines have been arranged, let your first response be, "Shelly, are you being fair?" Then, focus your whole discussion around that idea.
If Shelly refuses to cooperate at all, give her a choice: either she goes away and does something else, or she may be a "watcher" while she gets ready to take turns in an orderly way.
Whichever approach you choose, be sure to clearly focus on the future rather than the past. In the end, you will be teaching positive, forward thinking. Shelly will also be developing a sense of fairness in her treatment of others, especially her siblings.
