Building foundations of integrity: Part 2 of 2
"We don't mean to do it," I suggested to Brady. "It just happens before we even think about it."
"What's that?" he asked.
"Promote dishonesty," I answered.
I was counseling with Brady about his young son who was going through a disturbing phase of deceitful behavior.
Dishonesty doesn't just happen. Lots of things influence it, especially the way we guide our children. In fact, we often make being authentic really difficult for them. For example, in Part 1 we listed:
- Asking them to apologize when they aren't actually sorry.
- Telling them to "stop crying" before their emotional cycle is finished.
- Forcing cooperation without paying attention to their feelings. Now, add some other common practices that encourage dishonesty.
- Making 'telling the truth' scary.
Instead, when 'the truth' finally comes out, simply say, "Thank you for telling the truth."
Later, when emotions are settled, discuss the matter in more detail, including a plan of correction.
Making dishonest threats like, "Do you want me to leave you here?" Instead, give honest choices like, "Would you like to ride in the grocery cart or walk beside me?" (If the child fails to choose either option, YOU quietly make the choice, and proceed as if he has agreed.)
Using the phrase, "I don't ever want to see you do that again!" or anything like that (while the child says to himself, "Fine, I'll just do it when you're not looking!").
Instead, simply emphasize what you want him TO do. You might include what NOT to do, but it's actually better to let him figure that out.
Unnecessarily rescuing a child from failure, selective 'forgetting' and other poor choices.
Instead, as much as possible, allow your child to experience the results of his own choices, while patiently supporting him in his disappointment.
After the initial pain has passed, say, "Let's think about what happened." Then, help him sort out the choices that led to failure and which choices will be better 'next time'.
There are many other ways to encourage authenticity in our children, but these will help to focus on this very important part of growing up.
