Building foundations of integrity: Part 1 of 2
You see it every day. Maybe you have even done it yourself. Your child hurts another child. Wanting to 'teach him a lesson', you firmly direct him to "go apologize".
But, is the child 'sorry' in the first place? Think about it. If you tell a child to say "sorry" and he's not, you have just pushed him toward hypocrisy! Is that what you really want to promote in your child?
Imagine your child's confusion. Yesterday you insisted that he tell the truth when he ate Desiree's cookie. But, today you're asking him to do something that just may be a lie!
Of course, you don't intend to do that. It just happens. But, if we want our children to learn integrity, we need to think carefully about how we correct them.
So, in the rest of this article and the next one, we are going to briefly visit some common practices that undermine 'integrity', and then suggest some simple alternatives. Here we go.
Apologies: Instead of "say sorry", first ask your child what he can do to help the other child "feel better". If his response includes "say sorry", make sure your child does, in fact, feel sorry. However, if his list doesn't include "say sorry", wait and talk about it later. Forcing an apology will probably do more harm than good if the child isn't sorry on the inside.
Crying (out of frustration or anger): Instead of telling a child to "stop crying", or suggesting, "...there's nothing to cry about", simply say, "I will talk to you when you're finished crying." Meanwhile, YOU must stay quiet until the child is settled down. (You can even gently hold the child without talking.) Then, once the crying is 'finished', calmly discuss the problem.
Forcing cooperation: Instead of growling, "...I don't care what you want, you're going to do what I say do", you can simply say, "You don't have to WANT to come along; I'm just asking you to cooperate." Incredibly, when a child is allowed to 'own' his emotions, his whole attitude can quickly change from total resistance to total cooperation!
Please join us next month as we continue to encourage integrity in our children.
