Recognizing "the cry" as positive therapy
Amil is crying...again. You don't know why, so you attempt to pacify him with, "There's no reason to cry."
Stop right there - and think. You mean well. You might even have spoken patiently. But, think about the messages you are sending:
- "You're too young to know what's going on, so let ME explain."
- "YOUR emotions aren't important, so just push them aside and trust ME!"
In short, you are undercutting his confidence. Of course, you don't mean to be disrespectful.
"I just can't stand his irrational crying," you explain. "He isn't colicky. And, we give him a safe home with lots of love."
But, what if he needs to cry? I'll always remember one of our preschool fathers who wondered about his son's frequent crying. "Sometimes," he mused, "it seems as if he actually NEEDS to cry."
"Bingo!" I exclaimed. "You're absolutely right."
Most women understand the need to cry. It's a well-established fact that crying tends to release tension and clears the mind. It can be triggered by anything ... from fear to sorrow to joy.
Likewise, there are many legitimate triggers inside the child too.
In addition, recent research shows that one's emotional quotient (EQ) is even more important to success in life than IQ. Therefore, the emotional development of children is even more important than their physical development.
That's why we ask a child who is crying for reasons that are not obvious, "Do you NEED to cry?" It's an honest question; not cynical or critical.
If he says, "Yes," we calmly take him to "The Think Space", which is now a "cry space" to 'finish' his overflow. It's not a punishment. It's just a safe place to balance his emotions.
That same question can also help a child realize that he may not need to cry. If he says, "No", you simply support his admission with, "Fine. Then, I would like you to be quiet."
Almost inevitably, the child will quiet down. Why? Because you have treated him with respect and dignity, the way you would want to be treated.
Now, when you give your kids time and space to balance their emotions, you know what you are doing . and why!
