Two hidden factors: Part 5 of 5
"You say that anger is a choice?" the caller wondered out loud. "That may be so, but it sometimes seems almost impossible to control," she responded.
While we usually can't control the things that trigger our anger, the more we understand this emotion, the more prepared we are to manage it in positive ways.
Here are two subtle factors about anger that apply equally to children and adults.
ACCUMULATION
Anger is rarely about a single incident. Over time, other similar situations collect in your 'anger pot', then simply 'boil over' at some point.
You may, in fact, be good at handling single incidents with grace and patience. But, there comes a point when you feel that something just has to be done about some issue that happens over and over. In those situations, anger can be a powerful force for correcting situations that truly need attention. How effective your anger is, however, depends on how you express it.
Personal vs. principled focus - showing how or why some expressions of anger are offensive, regardless of the person toward whom it is focused.
Sympathetic vs. accusative attitude - recognizing that there may be good reasons for the other person's actions or attitudes, then making those reasons the basis of a discussion.
TRANSFERRENCE
This is a far more dangerous kind of anger. It happens when the real reason for your anger is something or someone else, but you 'transfer' it to another person or animal.
Such expressions can cause long lasting hurt in your relationships. Whether you are the giver or receiver of this kind of anger, it is important to recognize it for what it is.
As a receiver of someone else's transferred anger, avoid the temptation to be personally offended. You may, in fact, be able to help that person realize that he is transferring his anger, thus preserving your personal relationship.
As a sender of transferred anger, quickly realize what is happening and either adjust your attitude 'on the fly' or apologize for your outburst to avoid lasting damage.
Understanding these two components of anger - accumulation and transference - will help you avoid unnecessary damage in your relationships.
May this series of insights help you to better understand anger and manage it effectively.
