Successfully managing your own strong emotions: Part 4 of 5
The question was simple, but very real: "You have given us some great tools to use with our children (see anger articles 1-3). But, how do I handle my own anger when my child does things that get to me?" Remember, anger is complicated. After all, it's powered by conflicting emotions -negative and positive - both of which supply energy for whatever you do with enthusiasm.
Anger, then, is what can happen when energy and enthusiasm are frustrated into a kind of stalemate in which they cannot be appropriately expressed or fulfilled.
That being the case, anger can be the enemy of reason, leading us to say and do things that actually defeat our goals.
The trick, then, is to use the energy of anger without allowing it to destroy anything. Here are some ways to accomplish that:
- Study this series of articles, applying each concept and tool to yourself.
- Study one of our earlier articles on personal emotions titled, "But, What About Me?" on our website.
When your child does something that triggers your anger, before saying or doing anything, do one or all of the following:
1) Avoid spontaneous immediate reactions, especially the explosive kind.
2) Take a deep breath and count to 10 before you talk or act.
3) Set a time to talk with your child about the incident. Tell your child about your plan.
4) Have your child read a book (or, go out to play). Then, take yourself to your own 'Think Space' to cool down and think.
5) Talk to someone else about your reaction to help clarify your thinking.
6) Do a writing exercise:
- Write out specifically what has triggered your anger.
- Spell out what you will say to your child. Be specific, but brief.
7) When you do talk, follow these guidelines:
- Use your script. What you have written probably uses better wording than you would use speaking spontaneously.
- Avoid words that 'put down' or belittle your child or yourself.
- Use words that accept responsibility for your anger. Instead of, "You made me angry when." say, "I got angry when."
As you apply these ideas consciously and consistently, you'll gradually gain more control of your own anger . . . guaranteed!
