Helping children resolve feelings that trigger anger: Part 2 of 5
When a young mother worried that her son "...gets so angry, I hardly know what to do!" she spoke for many parents.
In that earlier article, we offered ways to help children handle their anger. In this article we look at several core feelings that generate anger, especially in children, and offer ways to reduce them.
FRUSTRATION: Anger is almost always based in frustration. From feeling trapped to feeling ignored, anger is actually a desperate attempt to gain control.
FEAR: Most anger is also based in fear. From losing some privilege to failure in a task or skill, anger is usually about the fear of losing something the child sees as important. These first two feelings tend to trigger each other as frustration leads to fear, often leading to a paralysis of thought or action, creating even more frustration.
SUCCESS: When a child's anger creates a reaction from his parents or care provider, he feels 'successful', especially when he eventually gets what his anger was about in the first place.
HABIT: Once anger is recorded in a child's mind as successful, he will use that 'tool' more easily in the future.
"That all makes sense," the young mother admitted, "but, how do those facts make any difference to my child?"
Here are a number of things you can do to reduce feelings that trigger anger in children.
- Avoid using threats and other fear-based tools to 'control' your children.
- Avoid rewarding your child's anger with your own strong or noisy reactions.
- Avoid trying to reason with your child during outbursts of anger.
- Instead, take your child to a safe location to cool down.
- Use off-trauma discussions. Your words will mean more when you talk in relaxed, quiet moments.
- Use lots of honest, open-ended questions to uncover your child's thinking.
- Respond very thoughtfully to his answers because quick criticism will probably send him back into 'hiding'.
- Sincerely repeat his comments, patiently waiting for him to add to what he has already said.
- Have him re-start the upsetting event, this time in a calm, respectful manner.
In the end, you will find the feelings that have previously triggered your child's irrational anger gradually melting away.
