“What’s better than a compliment?”
“What a nice picture, Joey!”
You compliment Joey’s ‘artistry’, even though it’s just a maze of scribbles!
You want him to improve his drawing, but will a compliment help?
When you stop to think about it, there is a character development issue with the compliment. It’s not always a negative thing, but it can be.
“How so?” you ask. “I thought we couldn’t give too many compliments to kids. Isn’t that the best way to encourage them?”
Certainly it is one way to encourage. But take a look at the outcome of using the compliment as ‘positive reinforcement’.
Surely you will agree that the term, “…all about me…” is a pretty accurate description of a generation of kids who have received heaps of compliments over the years.
And what do we tend to get in return? Backtalk, arrogance, tantrums when requests are denied, reflecting the “all about me” attitude.
Here’s the point.
- Essentially, the compliment directs a child’s attention to himself, thus encouraging more of the ‘all about me’ mindset.
- However, a sincere “Thank you for…” directs a child’s attention away from himself to the person offering the word of thanks.
It’s a subtle shift. But it’s an important one to help your children find a healthy balance between considering themselves and others.
Some other benefits of using more gratitude than compliments:
- Words of thanks gradually develop a culture of gratitude in your home or school. It’s a natural insurance policy against those irritating attitudes of selfishness and presumptuousness.
- Gratitude teaches people to be positive. In the end, you will find that a person cannot be grateful and negative at the same time.
- Gratitude helps you avoid the hypocrisy of telling someone they did a good job when they really didn’t. Still, you can genuinely thank them for their effort.
The cancer of ‘it’s all about me” is so subtle that we hardly notice it at first. Once there, however, you can’t blast it away without destroying other valuable qualities.
What to do? Consistent doses of gratitude will subtly bring the needed balance to your life with kids.
Remember. Compliments go to the ego while gratitude goes to the heart!
