Requesting Without Manipulating
"Mommie, Mommie, can I have a cookie?" your hungry child pleads. Noticing that something was missing in the request, you quickly respond, "What's the magic word?"
STOP right there. Why did you ask for "please"? You say you are teaching a lesson in manners? That's good. Children need to learn good manners. It will help make them more respectful and more effective in the long run.
But what else are you teaching? Do you see a lesson in manipulation here? When you teach a child to tack on "please" to the end of a request, you are merely teaching him how to manipulate someone else.
Here's an alternative. Instead of attaching "please" to the end of a request, teach your child to place it in the middle, such as, "May I please have a cookie? "
This makes the word "please" a true part of the request and not just a tack-on piece of polite grammar.
You can teach the same idea in cases where the child is asking you to help him or her with a task. The request then becomes, "Would you please help me.with my shoes?" (Most young children will first say, "May you please. " until corrected.)
Another very incorrect expression that parents tolerate (I have never understood why) is the issue of "Can I." vs. "May I." Literally, "Can I." addresses ability, while "May I." addresses permission.
Every time we adults honor a "Can I." request without asking that child to re-do the request with, "May I please.", we teach the child that "Can I." is okay.
Believe me, even very young children catch onto this idea when they are consistently reminded to use appropriate words.
Your reminders can be as direct as, "What did you say?" or as leading as, "We have a really courteous way of asking for something. " Also, if your child is developmentally ready, intentionally ignoring an improper request until it is said properly works well, too.
And a final reality check. from a teaching standpoint, to reverse the habit of one simple inappropriate request, you may need to help the child do it right at least five times in the future, and maybe more than that.
That's why it is so important to teach correct request language from the git-go. But, even if you have allowed improper requests up to now, it is never too late to change. Just start from here and watch both courtesy and respect grow in your children. You'll love it!
