Apologizing with empathy
Your daughter, Jessica, has just deposited an ugly shiner on Eric's head with her favorite doll.
Your immediate response, "Oh Jessica. You shouldn't do that. Go say 'sorry' to Eric!"
Sound familiar? Of course. We've all done it. We were raised that way and we think our children should learn to say 'sorry' too!
But wait. What if Jessica isn't sorry? What then? Will she be sorry just because she says "sorry"?
Frankly, some years ago we stopped asking children to do that. Why? It's so obvious. We're embarrassed that we didn't see it sooner.
Hypocrisy. You know; it's the stuff we criticize in politicians who don't "walk the talk". But there we were, asking our children to apologize before we even found out if they were sorry about whatever just happened.
So, what's the solution? Do we just close our eyes and hope the problem goes away? Not at all.
The point is that the Jessica in your life has just made a mistake, be it intentional or accidental.
But, before you do anything or ask her to do anything, you need to know two things:
What happened in the first place? She may have been the aggressor. On the other hand, she may have just been protecting herself. (Oh yes. Be sure to ask the neutral question, "What happened?" not the accusative, "What did you do?")
How your child feels about her (or his) actions. In other words, before asking your child to make amends, be sure she is feeling regretful for her inappropriate actions. And try to make sure she isn't just sorry because she got caught!
Now what? Here's the new line.
"Jessica, how can you help Eric feel better?"
Notice first, that you are asking a leading question rather than giving a command. Second, it is a question that encourages action from the inside out.
In a moment she will offer a response. It may be "say sorry". On the other hand, she may come up with some other ideas, such as "give him a hug" or "get some ice for his boo-boo".
In any case, you have avoided the adult tendency to impose hypocrisy on your child. Instead, you have guided her onto a route that actually accomplishes something positive for the future.
