". . . SHOW ME HOW YOU DID THAT"
Snack time is finished and your child goes to wash his hands and face. But, as he emerges from the washroom, you still see milk and cookies on his lips. What to do?
A) Bark a direct command: "Alec, go back and wash your face!"
B) Ask, "Did you wash your face?" Then, when he says, "Yes", you say, "Well, you sure didn't do a very good job!" or reprimand him with, "Don't lie to me, Alec!"
C) Or, you can say, "Would you please show me how you did that?" Which choice will help your child the most in the long run?
Unless there is a strong reason to do otherwise, we always prefer 'C', or some variation on that theme. Here's why.
- Because, in having him show you how he did something, you engage a child's most efficient learning tool - learning by doing. The truth is, a child is almost always willing and ready to show how he did something, thus avoiding fruitless arguments while enhancing his confidence, even if a correction is needed.
- Because, by having him show you how he washed his face, you may find some flaw in his face washing technique that you can quickly and quietly help him correct.
- Because the accusation of lying can quickly degrade into unnecessary conflict, especially if the child did attempt to wash his face - even though inadequately.
(Meanwhile, if you detect that your child is shading the truth, remember the incident, then quietly but firmly discuss his dishonesty 'off-trauma', i.e., after you have had a chance to settle your own emotions and plan your talk with him).
Let's remember that our job as the primary guides of our children goes far beyond just getting them to do what we ask them to do. It is our responsibility to help them do "the right thing" intelligently, and with integrity.
The simple fact of the matter is this; when we enter a child's world of learning through the door of 'doing', we stand to make more enduring headway in their lives than we would through orders, lectures or head-on confrontation.
