Integrity in search of an owner
You turn the corner just in time to see your two preschoolers throwing toy cars at each other. Naturally, you’re irritated because they both know better. You know you have to do something.
But, before you can do anything, your five-year-old spouts that tired old saw, “He did it first!”
It’s an old ploy – as old as the human race – to deflect one’s own responsibility to another person.
We all do it at some level, so before you go off on your older son for his irresponsible choice, take a deep breath.
- Surely you remember driving over the speed limit for no better reason than everyone else was doing it.
- Maybe you can recall taking part in a damaging conversation about a colleague when you could have offered a word of balance to the discussion … but you didn’t.
That being the case, it’s with a sense of understanding and humility that you help your son with his poor thinking.
How about one of these approaches?
- “Adam, I believe you that Aaron did it first. Now, was it right or wrong for him to throw toys?”
“Wrong.”
”So, when you did the same thing, what was it for you?” - Or, how about this?
“OK. So, about how old was his behavior?”
“Maybe two years old.”
“And you chose to use the same behavior. How old are you?
“Five.”
“Tell me, does it make good sense or nonsense for a five-year-old to be using two-year-old behavior?” - Better than either of the above is this:
“Adam, if you were listening to your conscience, what would you have done?”
“Probably tell him to stop and then walk away.”
“Sounds good. Now, let’s try that again and this time show me how you use your conscience when this kind of thing happens.” You then do role-play that situation with Adam. You finish by thanking him for his wise choice and end with, “Now, I’m expecting that kind of leadership the next time you’re tempted to follow your brother’s poor choice.”
And that is how we encourage children to own a very special, genuine brand of integrity by helping them change their thinking.
