Fuss, Ignore or Work It Out

Your disgust kicks in. "That girl is going to get it," you think to yourself. "She is constantly irritating her brother. What's worse, she seems to enjoy it."

But wait. Before you do anything with Rosa, how about helping Carlos with his reaction? This is a perfect time to give Carlos a handy trio of choices that life offers everyone on a daily basis.

You hold up the last 3 fingers on one of your hands. Touch your small finger and say, "You can fuss." Now, touch the next finger and say, "You can ignore," and finish by touching the middle finger with, "or, you can work it out."

Now ask, "Which one did you just use?"

Obviously, the answer is, "Fuss," the smallest behavior.

Next, ask, "Which choice would be better?"

That leaves "ignore" and "work it out."

• "Ignore" - Children who irritate others usually do so to create a reaction. The less reaction they receive from their victims, the less likely they will be to repeat their actions. The opposite is equally true.

• "Work it out" - Most children need help here, but consider it an investment of time. The more success children experience through practice, the more likely they will be to "work it out" on their own in the future.

This exercise is to help your children learn the grace of quietly working problems out when things go wrong. The rest of the time, they can learn to ignore a lot of stuff that neither you nor they need to let bother you -- except for issues of safety, of course.

• The fun comes later when your child complains about some trivial injustice. Quickly, you smile and hold up your last three fingers, asking, "Which one?" Instantly, your offended child gets a grip, smiles and points to the "ignore" finger. To which you smile and say, "Good choice."

• Or, if the answer is "work it out," say, "That's a good choice. I'll watch how you do that."

In either case, your child is learning two responsible choices that will help both of you from now on. It really works. Just do it!