Finding Truth W/O Condemning
It happens somewhere every day. Johnny and Susie are playing together when Johnny suddenly starts crying. Susie, trying to look innocent, just sits there and does nothing to help her brother.
Your first response? Either compassion for Johnny and his problem or indignation at Susie's insensitivity.
Regardless which response is right, a likely first comment from an adult might be,
"Susie, what did you do to Johnny? " or,
"Johnny. What did Susie do to you?"
After all, it's pretty obvious that Susie did something. Johnny wouldn't just start crying for no reason at all.
But wait. What are the chances that either one of those responses will give you any useful information?
If Susie DID cause the crying, her answer to, "What did you do to Johnny? " will probably fall short of the truth.
If Susie DIDN'T cause the crying, she will feel unfairly accused.
What to do? You can't just stand there and do nothing - like Susie.
Try one of these questions:
"Susie, why is Johnny crying? " or,
"Susie, what were you doing when Johnny started crying? " or simply,
"What happened here?"
Repeated experience tells us that negatively 'loaded' questions tend to generate lies. After all, most children protect their self-images just like adults. They can't describe their feelings as well as we do, but their feelings about themselves are even more fragile than ours.
On the other side, neutral questions that ask for information are far more likely to lead to the true facts about a conflict situation.
Finally, here's another idea that works well for fact finding. When Johnny comes to you complaining that Susie has hurt his arm, try this: while you keep Johnny with you, calmly ask Susie to come to you. Now, with both children there, ask Susie,
"Why is Johnny saying you hurt his arm (or whatever)?"
This question, or something similar, is far more likely to lead to a truthful response than the alternative, "Why did you hurt Johnny?"
The bottom line is this. Children are just as sensitive to being blamed for something as adults. We will all be better off if we approach them with the same kind of care we use with the adults in our lives.
And it's all because children are people too!
