Self-Awareness
Three-year-old Danny has just shoved his little brother to the ground again...the third time in as many minutes! You are furious.
"Danny," you explode. "Don't do that! Go say 'sorry' to your brother right now!"
Your anger is understandable. Danny knows better. Your frustration is predictable. You have talked with Danny about not being so rough with his brother until you are both "blue in the face."
So, why can't you get through to him? Surely he can't just be stupid. After all, he is your son.you know, the one who was so smart as a baby?
However, in your hasty effort to correct, you have made several mistakes too.
First, you are telling him what you think about his behavior without ever engaging his mind or spirit.
Second, you are trying to correct the misbehavior right when it happens, which he probably can't hear anyway.*
Third, you are telling your son what not to do instead of what to do.
Finally, you order an apology without knowing how Danny actually feels.
No wonder you're having trouble! Instead, try these simple but positive steps.
First, ask Danny, "What kind of behavior did you just use?" This engages his mind and requires him to think. Help him use such words as "rude, rough or animal behavior" instead of "bad".
Second, quietly take (don't send) Danny to a place where he can cool down. After both of you are more settled, talk together about how he will treat his brother "next time." That way you help him look to the future more than to the past. *
Third, as you talk, show him what to do, as in, "You need to treat your brother kindly and gently." Then, help him go to brother and practice what that means.
Fourth, ask Danny, "How can you help your brother feel better?" Danny's response might include an apology, but he could come up with other great ideas as well.
Finally, try asking the offending child to stay with the offended child for a while. That little extra time helps to renew their relationship and assists in developing respect for each other.
* Recent brain research shows that corrections made as they happen are mostly diverted to the brain stem survival center, an area that uses neither logic nor reason. On the other hand, corrections addressed "off-trauma" are much more likely to stay with the child in the rational area of the brain called the "cerebral cortex."
