Positive Confrontation
"Mommy, Jasmine hit me!"
"Daddy, Bobbie won't give me my doll!"
Summer's about here. The kids will be home and, unless you do something really different, you'll probably find yourself in the middle of an ongoing stream of tattling not unlike what you just read.
So, what to do about tattling? It's kind of a two-edged sword, isn't it? You get involved in the dispute and you encourage more of the same. You ignore it and somebody could get hurt.
Instead, try this. It's a simple technique that reduced tattling in our school by at least 80% - overnight! It's based in the catchy little phrase, "Talk before you tattle." Here's how it works.
Your child comes to you with a complaint about someone else. Instead of immediately getting involved (unless the other child is in danger), you simply ask, "Did you talk before you tattled?"
If your child says, "No" (which will probably be the answer at first), you simply respond with, "Go talk first and then see me if you still need help."
About 80% of the time you won't hear from the child again about that complaint. Half the time, he will return to the other child to work things out.
The other half of the time, the child will find something else to do, probably figuring that he didn't need to tattle anyway; i,e, it just isn't worth the effort.
So, what is happening here?
First, you are encouraging rational confrontation, a skill we all need but usually avoid.
Second, you are indirectly teaching the children to solve their own problems rather than relying on you to solve problems for them.
Third, you avoid siding with the person who may have actually started the conflict in the first place!
Finally, you keep yourself out of the emotional traps that your children set. After all, half the "fun" of tattling is watching you get upset over the situation. If you politely decline involvement, you have spoiled their party.
And what about the child who does talk with his adversary and can't seem to work things out?
Join us right here next time for a kinder, gentler summer with the low-stress tools of "Discipline Without Damage".
