"Daddy, Daddy! Kindra hit me!"
Two-year-old Noel storms indignantly toward her daddy for comfort. Gently, he picks her up and asks, "Now Noel, what were you doing when she hit you?"
Sheepishly, Noel lowers her head and mumbles, "Shoving her."
Whereupon, Daddy wisely suggests, "How about you go back and keep your hands to yourself?"
"Okay Daddy!" she happily responds and runs off to rejoin her friends.
"What a wise father," I thought to myself as I reflected on the scenario.
Why was this exchange special? Think about it: the more normal reaction would have been 1) comfort the child, or 2) correct the offender.
In so doing, however, they would have both missed the more important part of the event...the child's own responsibility in the situation.
In our years of working with young children, we have noticed that the child who comes complaining about being mistreated is almost always hiding his own part in whatever happened.
If we "buy" his story at face value, we encourage more of the same. On the other hand, if we stop and ask, "And what were you doing when that happened?", we ask for the whole story.
So, why was this approach significant? The young father was following several important principles:
NEUTRAL QUESTION - The question used was intentionally neutral. Instead of, "What did you do first?", the wise daddy asked, "What were you doing when that happened?" That way he avoided implying guilt, leaving the door open for unbiased reporting. He also gave himself a chance to understand the incident more clearly.
CLARIFY RESPONSIBILITY - Noel needed to face the fact that there was more to working out this conflict than simply getting Daddy to agree that someone else did wrong. Instead, he helped her recognize her own role in the incident.
IMMEDIATE REINFORCEMENT - After helping Noel adjust her thinking, it was a good idea to direct her right back to the scene of conflict to practice - and hopefully to secure - her father's instruction.
Let's review: when a child comes to you complaining about being mistreated, what will be your first question? That's right..."What were you doing when that happened?"
