We all say it without even thinking about the consequences. However, you'll immediately see that this change makes sense. Here it is:
"If you finish your homework on time, then you may go to Vinny's game." - or some variation of that "if..then" theme.
The problem lies in how that phrase is interpreted by the child. True, it's subtle, but still important. Here's the point:
The word "if" introduces a note of doubt. In other words, while making permission conditional, you are also inserting a note of doubt that those conditions will be met.
The underlying message is that your child may not be able or willing to finish the task on time.
Many children see that kind of phrase as an invitation to argue about the conditions you are setting out, completely ignoring the value of the activity in question.
The doubt introduced by "if" can easily turn out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You are undermining your effectiveness as a parent or care provider of that child by placing yourself in a position to be proved wrong.
So, why go there at all when there is a much healthier and less risky way of doing the same thing?
Simply change "if" to "when" and say, "When you finish your homework on time, then you may go to Vinny's game." Now, you have instantly done several things:
- You have gone from creating doubt to instilling confidence. Instead of suggesting that the job might not get done, you have indirectly said, "I believe in you."
- You have avoided an argument about the conditions you have laid out. After all, the suggestion that your child may not get something done is not even there now, so there is nothing negative to disprove.
- You have just contributed to that child's sense of personal worth. In fact, you have cast a vote for his or her success as a child and later as an adult.
Can you believe that so much can lie in one simple word? It's amazing, isn't it, how little adjustments in our language (and the attitude that goes with those changes) can make a world of difference, both now and for generations to come!
