To do the same thing again! - Part 2 of 4
A frustrated mother quizzed us, "Why does my older daughter keep using her younger sister's clothes without asking, even though we consistently punish her for it? "
"What kind of punishments have you been using? " I asked her.
"Various things," she responded, "like going to her room, grounding, doing extra chores, etc. "
"Has that solved the problem? " I asked.
"No, " she admitted sheepishly.
"Case closed, " I quipped.
I didn't mean to be rude or cute. I just think that most of us don't use good logic when it comes to correcting misbehavior. There are good reasons that punishment doesn't work very well.
In the first segment of this series we pointed out that punishment tends to teach a child what his "fun" is going to cost. All too often, the cost of misbehavior is well worth it to the child!
The second reason is that punishment tends to bind the child to his misbehavior. Rather than separating misbehavior from a child, the extra attention given to misbehavior through punishment actually tends to encourage it.
Why? Does this sound familiar? "Go to your room and think about what you did! " Now be honest. Is that expression more likely to discourage or encourage a repeat performance?
You see, people tend to do what they think about. When you ask a child to go think about something she did wrong, she will probably end up doing the very thing she is thinking about. That's just plain and logical psychology.
What to do instead? Your child needs to replace misbehavior with appropriate choices. So, the next time your child wears her sister's clothes without asking (or anything else that you might normally punish), say to that child, "Latisha, I want you to go think about some better choices the next time you feel like...(whatever). When you're finished, come and tell me what you've been thinking."
Now you're getting somewhere. Instead of forcing that child to look backward, you're helping her look forward. Instead of thinking about negative behavior, you're helping her visualize and plan positive choices.
This really does work. Just do it!
