Part One of Two on Positive Leadership
"If you don't come right now, I'm going to leave you here!"
Now, you're not going to do that...and Kisha knows it. So, why DO you say things like that?
I know. You think that the threat of negative consequences will help her listen. But do they? Maybe, in the short run, but definitely not in the long run!
Threats and warnings are so common in our culture that we don't think about their own built-in consequences. So, let's take a few minutes to look at eight of their weaknesses.
- Threats & warnings actually change the brain's chemistry. According to Eric Jensen in his book, "Teaching With the Brain in Mind," words and environments that threaten create chemical responses in the brain that block the mind's ability to respond to positive motivations.
- Threats & warnings develop an avoidance complex. Every threat you aim at your Kisha teaches her to avoid a negative consequence rather than do something for a positive reason.
- Threats & warnings are the enemies of conscience. As external motivators, they dull a child's sensitivity to inner promptings. In the end, your child will more quickly accept the values of peers than choices based on higher, but less popular ideals.
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Threats & warnings teach a child where your goat is tied! A child who likes to see adult reactions, learns from your threats what to do for her next entertainment project! - A child with strong character feels obliged to test the threats & warnings you set up. Testing boundaries is quite normal. But, why give a child information about consequences anyway? All that does is cause her to weigh the "fun" (rewards) of misbehavior against its possible cost.
- Threats & warnings are a trap that will eventually snag you. You will either forget what you said or you won't have the courage to do as promised or the kids will go behind your back. In any case, you are the looser.
- Threats & warnings divert a child's attention from you as a person to your threats. The natural outcome? Your kids' respect of you lessens. In the end, they are learning to fear you more than respect you.
- Finally, threats & warnings teach your child how to motivate other people. Wouldn't you rather teach your child to motivate others with positive techniques?
So, what do we do instead? Tune in next month for what to do and say in the place of threats and warnings.
