It's all in the wrapping!
"Oh honey, that's wonderful. Look how smart you are!"
Your three-year-old brings a lovely painting from preschool. You enthusiastically compliment her effort. After all, anybody knows that compliments develop positive self-image. Right?
Hold on. That isn't necessarily true. Did you realize that compliments can change a child's motivation for doing well? Your child may begin a commendable act for all the right reasons, but the "kudos" she gets for her kindness or display of talent can quickly become the reason for doing the same thing in the future. The next thing you know, she's taking out the trash just for the compliment...or some other self-centered reward!
So, what's the alternative?
Wrap your compliment inside a simple but sincere expression of gratitude, as in, "Thank you, honey, for painting such a fine picture." With that small adjustment, a huge change happens inside your child. Believe it or not, it can make all the difference between building ego or developing character.
"What's the difference?" you ask.
- First, personal compliments tend to turn a child's focus inward, upon herself. However, expressions of thanks tend to turn her attention outward, toward others. Since children are egocentric anyway, techniques that focus positive attention outward, toward others, are appropriate and helpful.
- Second, managers of adults have known for years that simple, sincere recognition can be more productive than promised rewards. The same is true of children, although we often ignore that fact by attempting to motivate them with suckers, trips to the zoo or new toys.
- Finally, frequent and consistent expressions of thanks develop a culture of gratitude in your home or classroom, leading to an atmosphere of cooperation. Conversely, too many direct compliments lead to a culture of expectation that can easily turn to hurt feelings among less developed or less gifted children.
Here's the bottom line. Everyone does things that can be recognized with a word of thanks. This kind of positive reinforcement instantly levels the motivational playing field. And, it seems to have no down side. Use it and enjoy. It's our gift to you for the New Year!
