Teaching responsible communication
Evan is angry. He wants his daddy...NOW! His screams have you nearly convinced that he won't survive the next two minutes.
Your eight-year-old rudely demands a new pair of shorts - NOW, quick, before supper!
Then, when you won't let your five-year-old play in the park with his best friend, he angrily retorts, "You're mean!"
So, what do you say to a screaming two-year-old? How do you answer a rude fourth grader? And how do you convince your five-year-old that you are really a kind, caring person?
Believe it or not, there is a single response to all these situations that works like a charm. Are you ready for this? "I'll talk to you when."
- To the screaming two-year-old, your response (delivered in a calm, quiet voice) is, "I'll talk to you when you're quiet."
- To your rude pre-teen, let your response be a very calm, "I'll talk to you about that when you speak to me respectfully."
- And to your fresh-mouth preschooler, you simply smile and say, "We can discuss that when you talk kindly and quietly."
We adults needlessly get ourselves into 'no-win' situations by answering such 'nonsense' comments. Instead, simply say, "I'll talk with you when." However, there are some important guidelines that make this expression work:
- Be careful to avoid the opposite comment, "I won't talk to you until." That is a negative reaction that invites a contest you'll probably not win.
- Be sure to actually follow through on two levels: a) that you NOT discuss the issue until the requirement of quietness and/or courtesy is met, and b) that you DO have that promised conversation when the requirement IS met.
- A level, unemotional tone of voice from you is important. What you need to communicate by example is that you want him to rise to your standard -- that you will not lower yourself to his. Even if you have to temporarily 'fake it', keep your voice steady and free of 'attitude'.
You may be surprised at how much better things turn out...and without the tension or backtalk that would normally be generated. Just remember to say, "I'll talk to you when."
