How to help a child build a sense of importance
Remember last month's article, how a missing sense of importance led Joey to use some pretty irritating behavior?
A lack of training before Kindergarten left him 'behind' in both academic and social skills. That led to feelings of inadequacy, which he counter-balanced with behaviors to 'prove' his significance.
Enough analysis for now. The more pressing question is how to help Joey realize significance in positive ways.
What does NOT work is to sit a child down to convince him about how important he or she is. Rather, a child's sense of significance comes out of more subtle influences.
Some of them are so simple that we fail to use them effectively. Enter several starter ideas:
1 Real choices, even with limited options, contribute to a child's sense of significance. What to wear. Which fresh fruit to buy. Which book to read.
2 Accomplishment - Whether finishing homework, doing chores on time, or learning to play an instrument; all such achievements contribute to a sense of significance.
3 Responsibility - Cleaning the bedroom, setting the table for dinner - things that may not get done if Joey doesn't do them - all help to develop significance.
4 Asking non-threatening questions - what he likes, what he thinks, his high and low points in the day - help him know his opinion matters.
5 Look into your child's eyes when you talk to him, and not just when correcting or admonishing him. It's a short-term investment with long-term benefit.
6 Personal interludes- regular scheduled times when it's just you and Joey - help his sense of significance.
7 Addressing Joey with respect & courtesy - putting "please" in the middle of your requests, avoiding a whiney voice when correcting - make a big difference in how your Joey sees himself.
Compare those strategies against the ways we usually go about encouraging a sense of significance - throwing lavish birthday parties, buying expensive toys, allowing unlimited interruptions - and you quickly see that the contrast is about building character versus inflating egos.
In the end, remember that your child is constantly in search of significance. HOW he does that is greatly influenced by how you 'live out' these ideas.
