Avoiding the unconscious put-down

It's something we all tend to do when we are asking a child to do something better 'next time'. at least, until we stop to think about that little word 'but'.

Lou Tice, founder of the Pacific Institute, points out that, hidden in that little word 'but', lies a subtle put-down that we usually don't even think about.

1 It implies that something has happened that didn't come up to your standard of excellence.

2 Maybe your child did 'try' to stay in the lines.

3 What if your child shares your standard of excellence but just doesn't know how to get there.

4 It implies that whatever has happened until now has had little value, including whatever actual learning has taken place up to that time.

Of course, we mean well. We just fail to think through the implications of the 'buts' in the guidance we give our children in the name of encouragement.

What to do? Instead of contrasting the past and the future with the word 'but', how about using that most common of conjunctions, 'and'?

Now, the encouragement to your child becomes, "You colored that picture nicely, honey, and next time I would like for you to stay in the lines."

The difference might seem small, but it's really quite significant.

.1 You instantly tie the value of past learning to future progress.

.2 The child's self image is enhanced, giving meaning to his whole life, not just what he does in the future.

.3 It still helps your child focus on future progress more than on past failure.

.4 You are indirectly teaching your child the language of positive management, which he will eventually - and inevitably -pass on to others.

So, how intentional are you as a parent with your choice of words? Here is one small, but important way you can use a small, seemingly insignificant word to encourage the positive growth and development of those precious children in your care.

Now, there's an idea that finally gives real meaning to that awkward expression, "kick 'but'"!