And some creative alternatives

The question was quick and to the point. Actually, I couldn't recall categorically saying that parents shouldn't use 'no' with their children, but there ARE a number of problems with its FREQUENT use.

Be honest. Is that really one of the first words you want your child to learn? And, once learned, is that what you want your child to say when he disagrees with you? The fact is, children learn the words they hear most often, and use them with similar emphasis. Of course, it's frustrating to have 'no' hurled at you in response to your guidance. But it IS the logical outcome of hearing it frequently.

• 'No' tends to short-circuit other learning opportunities, such as sympathetic explanations or creative alternatives.
• A quick 'no' from an adult is usually a symptom of impatience, which probably includes a lack of respect for children. And, if that child is strong-willed, his natural (and logical) reaction is to 'make you pay' for your treating him disrespectfully.
• 'No' unnecessarily invites a contest that can generate impatient exchanges, such as, "Just because," or "Because I'm the mom and I said so," or, the sarcastic, "What part of 'no' do you not understand?"

So, why use the word at all? Here are several alternatives that say 'no' without insulting the dignity of a child.

• Use 'yes' instead of 'no' with a short pause and then a condition, such as, "Yes … when you finish cleaning your room." Instantly you transform a contest into a motivation!
• If the response is impatient or disrespectful, immediately say, "We'll talk when you speak to me respectfully." Then, steadfastly hold to that condition. (Of course, YOU need to speak respectfully too!) When that child finally speaks respectfully, watch how patiently he receives your message, whatever your answer.
• If you need to deny a request, try this: "I understand you want to go to Annie's house. That's fine sometimes, and this time it's not ok. We'll work out another time when it fits our schedule."

That's how you can avoid unnecessary conflict, while enhancing your child's understanding of higher priorities without using that inflammatory word, 'no'.