Featuring the ‘good’ child
It starts as soon as a child is born. A caring mother takes her newborn to a dinner meeting, risking the possibility of an untimely cry or emotional outburst.
However, today the baby lies quietly in its comfy carrier playing with its hands, causing no disruption.
Then the predictable happens. Friends inevitably remark to the elated mother, “What a good baby!”
It continues from there. Recently, we had dinner with a young couple and their frequently disruptive two-year-old. On this night, however, the child was quiet and easy-going. With a sigh of relief, the mother confessed, “I’m relieved that our daughter was so good tonight.”
I wanted to ask that mother, “Exactly what do you mean when you say your child was ‘good’?”
Given the contexts of such comments, it’s obvious that a ‘good’ child is one who doesn’t cause disruption to the life of its parent or other supervising adult.
Whatever the implied definition, we suspect that the word ‘good’ when applied to a child’s behavior or activities is subtly ego-centric to the adult saying it!
How so?
- First, because the adult is engaged in interests other than caring for the child, the less interruption the adult has from the child, the more likely he will call the child ‘good’.
- Second, the ‘good’ (non-disruptive) child usually makes its supervising adult -- parent or otherwise -- appear successful in raising that child.
- So, there’s a good chance that calling a child ‘good’ is not really about the child, but about the adult responsible for that child!
Meanwhile, the child may be sacrificing his or her own growth by going along with the care provider’s dominant wishes and demands. In other words, the adult who wants a ‘good’ child may be unconsciously smothering the creativity and independent exploration of that child. After all, creativity and exploration are usually uncomfortable to a busy adult because they require time and attention.
If it’s not already obvious, here’s the illusion: the compliant child may make adults feel good, but may well be unconsciously sacrificing his or her development due to the force of adult priorities.
Next up in this Illusion of Compliance series: The ‘Get-Away-With’ Principle.
