...meaning exactly what?

Every time I hear a parent use that “can you please” phrase, I want to say, “Excuse me. What do you mean when you use those words?”

Are you asking the child if they CAN do something, or are you asking them to actually DO something?

“Oh, come on,” you say. “Don’t be so picky!”

OK. I’ll admit that this is certainly not the worst mistake we make with our kids, but here are several reasons for being more careful about ‘small stuff’ like this:

• “Can you please” is a MIXED MESSAGE that has to confuse a child on some level -- particularly the so-called strong-willed child. Of course, the child may clearly understand that you want him to pick up toys. But, your message isn’t clear, which subtly undermines your leadership.
• Secondly, a child instinctively resists being asked if she CAN do something that you both know she is able to do. However, that same child may use the occasion to play with your emotions. How? By pretending that she can’t do it in an effort to get you to do it for her!
• Then, as your children become more and more sophisticated in their use of the English language, you quite innocently give them opportunity to criticize you. Most children come by that tendency easily enough. We certainly don’t need to be giving them more opportunities by using weak instructions like this.
• Furthermore, as caring parents, educators and care providers, we are constantly teaching. Every expression we use becomes part of that child’s memory, which, in turn, influences his use of words in the future. In fact, your use of “can you please” is probably a hand-me-down from adults in your childhood!

So, when it’s time to pick up the toys, you could say, “Tasha, can you pick up your toys...or do you need some help?”

However, you know that she is able to pick up her toys. So, in that case, it’s best to just say, “Tasha, would you please pick up your toys now?”

You’ll find that you will ultimately get less resistance and life with your kids will be more harmonious, guaranteed!