Selective ignoring made visual
When five-year-old Bernie complained that his little brother was bothering him, his mother reasoned, “Well, just ignore him.”
But, Bernie’s comeback stumped Mom. “I CAN’T ignore Adam. He just keeps bothering me!”
Certainly, Bernie’s complaints are common, and handling them well is rare.
In a recent conference, that same issue came up. Thankfully, the parents posing the question implemented our suggestions right away and within one hour recorded their first success!
What was this ‘magic bullet’? The key –making success visual. Here’s our plan.
First, stage a calm discussion about the ‘bothering’ issue in two parts: ‘Insight’ and ‘Strategy’.
Insight
- Ask Bernie, “When you get all upset with Adam, does that make it more fun or less fun for him?”
- Bernie will probably say, “Less fun,” because that’s how children think.
- Then, it’s your job to help Bernie see that his fussing is actually entertaining Adam!
- Now you ask, “What will make it less fun for Adam?” Now, truly ignoring Adam’s distractions will make sense to Bernie.
- Finally, help Bernie understand that ‘ignore’ means pretending that nothing is happening.
- Set up some role-plays to practice ignoring the ‘on-purpose’ bothering.
- Also, have a short talk with Adam to help him understand that there are some times that Bernie needs to be alone with himself or his friends.
- However, remember to set up some times for them TO play together.
Strategy
- Here’s where you make success visual. Tell Bernie that every time he truly ignores his little brother’s intrusions, he should tell you.
- Then, together make a special mark on the calendar on that day of the week.
- You can add incentive by suggesting that at the end of each week, you will add up all the times and see how things are going.
- We suggest that you avoid rewards, which can easily lead to false reporting.
If you follow this plan diligently, you’ll see several things happen:
- Your Bernie will discover that it IS possible to ignore his brother’s irritation.
- He will gain more strength to focus, regardless of outside distractions.
- Adam will gradually learn to respect his brother’s time and space.
