Revisiting inward vs. outward focus
As you leave the kids with grandma, you offer one last reminder: “Now, be good,” you admonish them, then walk away hoping that they will remember your words.
And tomorrow when you take them to play with the neighbor children, once again they will hear that familiar refrain, “Be good.”
It’s used non-stop with children. It seems innocent enough. After all, part of your responsibility is to help your kids remember to use appropriate behavior.
So, what could possibly be wrong with such an innocent reminder?
Recently, after some of our preschool children used inappropriate behavior at a social event, we sat down with them to discuss what happened.
We began with a question: “When we take you to another school, what do we expect from you?”
The instant answer: “To be good.”
Then it hit me. Although we never use those words with children, thinking we simply wanted them to ‘Be good’ obviously didn't influence their behavior very much.
The issue in this case was a lack of respect for their hosts. But, in our kids’ minds, there was simply no connection between ‘being good’ and the ways they had disrespected their hosts.
On the other hand, reminding them ahead of time to be respectful – along with a discussion about how that looks in real life – would have been far more meaningful than letting them think we wanted them to just ‘be good’.
Here’s why. The two reminders may seem similar, but they are actually miles apart.
- “Be good” is inward – all about me, while “Be respectful” is outward – all about honoring people outside oneself.
- Learning to think and live beyond ourselves is something we learn gradually as we mature. Helping kids focus on being respectful of others would have helped them balance their inborn self-centeredness with more awareness of others in their lives.
- Simply stated, ‘Be good’ plays to prideful ego while ‘Be respectful’ plays to character and humility.
- ‘Be good’ brings a short-lived influence while ‘Be respectful’ is more long-term.
So, let’s help our kids reach beyond themselves by changing our ‘Be good’ guidance to ‘Be respectful’. In the end, they’ll be building character with humility.
