Bringing the future into the present
“Jamie,” your voice intensifies as she wanders away from her project – again. “What ‘should’ you be doing right now?”
Just then, the phone rings. It’s your ten-year-old, Ali, telling you that he knows he’s ‘supposed to’ be doing his homework, but could he stay at Joey’s house another hour?
The use of ‘should’ and ‘supposed to’ are so common that we almost overlook them – except when we make fun of them with the old ‘woulda-coulda-shoulda’ drill. But ignoring them doesn’t make them any less harmful.
Harmful, you ask? How can such innocent words be harmful?
Here’s how:
- They can become a kind of emotional bludgeoning tool to remind kids about what they ‘should’ be or are ‘supposed to’ be doing.
- They probably suggest a lack of commitment or confidence in the person who uses ‘should’ or ‘supposed to’ in his speech.
- They can be a subtle way of keeping a desirable action in the future instead of making it a present reality.
- They can also provide a sort of emotional escape hatch from committing to a definite course of action.
In truth, both ‘should’ and ‘supposed to’ are like termites. You don’t notice them in the outset. And, they don’t eat a whole lot at a time. Usually, we don’t even notice them until something goes really wrong where they have quietly but persistently been using your house for lunch!
Practically speaking, we’ve found that when our ‘Jamie’ wanders away from her task, it is better to ask, “Jamie, what’s next?” or “Jamie, where do your hands belong?”
In Ali’s case, he may be (and probably is) using ‘supposed to’ as a substitute for disciplining himself to do his homework as planned.
Multiply these scenarios by hundreds of times in the early years, and you get a significant hit on personal discipline and, consequently, on personal development. Which leads to all sorts of problems, both as adolescents and later as adults.
Now think about it. If ‘should’ and ‘supposed to’ were taken from your vocabulary today, would anything negative happen? How about something positive? Of course, you know the answer. Now just do it, no ‘should’ or ‘supposed to’ about it!
