Argument Reduction

Last month we offered five ideas for managing a child who likes to argue. Here are four more.

• Discuss the matter later - Instead of pressing through an emotional issue when it comes up, tell your child that you will be happy to discuss the issue later when the air between you is more clear. In this way, you validate your child's thoughts and emotions while you teach the basics of rational discussion. You'll get farther with less wasted energy because the pathways to the reasoning parts of both your brains will be more open.

• Make room for natural consequences - For example, if your daughter wants to wear plaid against paisley, let it happen. Her peers may help her change her mind without your ever arguing about it. If she insists on going out in the cold without appropriate warmth, let her go. She'll probably be more careful next time, especially if you haven't debated that issue in the first place.
• Guide with questions - As adults, we tend to tell our children what to do, how to do it, and when, without realizing that we may be smothering growth in the very children we aim to protect. The older they get, the more important it is to guide with questions instead of commands. And it is important to frame those questions with neutral rather than loaded words. For example, instead of, "Don't you think you ought to wear a warmer coat?" say, "Have you thought about wearing a warmer coat?" A small, but very important difference.
• Make permission conditional - When your child comes to you with a request but argues with your answer, you have several good choices: 1) You may say, "I'll talk to you about that when you speak to me patiently and respectfully," and then hold firmly to that condition. 2) You may say, "You may have cake when you have tried (not finished) all the food on your plate," and then be sure to follow through with that promise. 3) You may use the Three-Question Quiz: "What did I say?" then, "What does that mean?" and finally, "What are you going to do?"

In the end, it is important to stay emotionally steady while avoiding negative or impatient attitudes on your part. Just as light always dispels darkness, your positive, persistent spirit will eventually win over your child's negative argumentative spirit. If you consistently follow what we have outlined in these two articles, you will see that change happen sooner than later.