Argument Reduction

Although arguing is normal for most children at some point in their development, it can really try your patience. But take heart. Here are some tips that really work when you use them correctly.

• First, understand that, even though the urge to argue may be uncomfortable to you, it is actually a sign of growth and maturing. That compliant little child who used to willingly do whatever you asked is exercising reasoning powers and developing personal identity. That's good.

Next, learn what TO do and what NOT to do to reduce arguments.

• Avoid words that invite arguments - If you carefully listen to yourself, you will find words and expressions that invite arguments. Some examples. Saying what NOT to do. Offering an instant "no" to an inappropriate request. Volunteering your opinion about a sensitive issue. Saying, "Oh yes you will," when a child says "No!" to leaving the playground.
• Avoid arguments - In general, you don't win an argument with a child, because the moment you step into an argument, you place yourself on the defensive. And what if the child turns out to be right after all? Better to just smile and patiently turn away to something or someone else than to try to prove yourself right or the child wrong. Either that, or quietly proceed as if there is no disagreement. You'll be amazed at how readily your child will cooperate with your positive actions when you have avoided counter-arguments.
• Minimize your responses - The arguing child often creates arguments simply to generate a reaction in his or her supervising adult. To a child, it doesn't matter whether he is right or wrong. The point is getting you to react -- the more emotional, the greater the success of that experiment. So, whatever your response, it must be low-key or your child wins for sure!
• Choose your battles carefully - Adults tend to impose their own preferences on children and thereby create needless battles. The point here is to be very selective with the things that you say or choices you insist on. Make sure that what you choose to make an issue actually matters enough in the long run to risk affecting your relationship with that child!

That's all for this time. We'll continue next month, beginning with how to validate a child's argument without becoming part of it. Meanwhile, start using these ideas so you'll be ready to add to your "tool chest".