"Good luck. Shane has had a really bad morning."
With that Shane's mother leaves him with the care provider and hurries off to work.
What's wrong with this picture?
"Everything," you say.
Right or wrong, this example does illustrate something we all do - talk about our kids in front of them.
We all talk with other adults about our children. That is totally understandable. For many of us, they are the primary focus our lives.
But where are the children when you talk about them? You see, it is one thing to talk about your child when he isn't with you. It is quite another thing to do it when your child is listening.
In fact, it's kind of a double-edged sword. Whether your subject is something that went right or wrong, we suggest that you wait to talk about those things until your child is out of earshot.
Why?
If you are talking about a problem or challenge,
- You will either embarrass your child, or you will teach him what to do to control you and/or other people in his life.
- You are shifting your child's motivation from using a positive choice because it's the right thing to do, to doing right to avoid embarrassment or other negative consequences.
- You tend to lock your child into the very behavior you are trying to discourage. In fact, you have unconsciously imposed on him an image that he just might adopt as his own.
And, even if your subject is about something that went right,
- Talking about your child to other adults may be embarrassing to him, which can subtly restrain him from doing more fine things in the future.
- On the other hand, your child's motivation to do well, may quietly shift from doing well from the heart, to doing the same thing for compliments.
So, what are your options?
- Before you begin discussing your child's joys or challenges, get him involved in activities where s/he can't hear the conversation, or
- Have someone else care for your child while you discuss the successes and challenges he presents, or
- Wait to discuss the subject at a more appropriate time. Consider using the phone or email if necessary.
Whatever the case, be aware that discussing your child in his presence may affect your child and your management of him more than you have ever imagined.
