"Every word you say to a child either builds him up or tears him down. There is no middle ground." - Carolyn Richert
You ask, "How can that be true?"
In a very real sense, nothing about life is neutral. Even our bodies are both growing and shrinking every second of every day. On the nutrition side, what you eat may seem meaningless, but the simple fact remains - nothing is neutral. Everything matters.
The same is true of words. There is no such thing as meaningless talk. Words affect people - both negatively and positively. Once spoken, words can never be taken back. That's why we give so much attention to helping people literally choose the words they use, especially with children!
If this seems scary, that may be good. We need to constantly remind ourselves to choose our words carefully. Not that we need to live in fear of saying something wrong or that we can't make corrections.
It's just that we need to consistently remind ourselves to use words that look forward more than backward . expressions that show gratitude more than failed expectations . speech that is patient more than demanding.
For example, your child is pleading for an ice cream cone and you impatiently spout, "I don't want to hear it!" are you building up or tearing down?
When you complain, "How many times do I have to tell you to hang up your jacket? " what is happening inside that child?
When you say, "Don't you have your homework done yet? " are those words more likely to elevate your child or bring him down?
Of course, we all make mistakes. Who doesn't? But, the art of positive, growth-focused speech is something most of us have to learn, intentionally.
What to do? Start by listening to yourself. We speak so much from habit that we normally don't really listen to ourselves.
Next, make an agreement with your spouse or other partner to help you review the words you used in specific incidents with your child. (Be sure to do this away from your child's ears.)
Third, use a small recorder to capture some of your talk with your children. They don't need to know the recorder is on and you will get used to it. Pretty soon you'll be talking "normally" with your child or children. Later, listen to yourself to see what you might have said better!
Finally, attend classes in positive parenting and communication. If your attendance does nothing more than make you more aware of your words, the time was well spent.
