"Jade honey. You have to wear your shoes when you go outside, okay?"
"Uh huh," Jade mumbles half-heartedly and later sneaks outside...without shoes!
Of course, you're disappointed, even disgusted. You have been through this drill a dozen times, saying the same thing every time. Why, oh why doesn't it sink in?
Could it be that you are speaking AT Jade instead of speaking WITH her?
Look. When you ask, "Do you understand?" but fail to find out WHAT she understands, you are almost certainly setting up a misunderstanding of some kind.
If Jade doesn't do what you think she understood, you will be offended with her, or she with you. In either case, this round of misunderstanding could easily have been avoided with a practice that we call "engagement".
Adults tend to tell a child something, and then ask, "Do you understand?" or "Do you hear me?" or the catchall, "Okay?"
Then we are naive enough to believe that "uh huh" means they have committed themselves to our directive!
Through the years, we have learned that a simple change in the way we request feedback from our children can make a huge difference in the way they follow our instructions.
- Instead of saying, "Okay?" ask, "What do you understand?" Then, wait for an answer.
- Or ask, "What is it that you are going to do?" And then expect a response.
- Or, when you use "The Think Space", say what you are asking your child to think about, followed by, "What are you going to be thinking about?"
In the end, you may discover things you haven't noticed before. By practicing engagement.
- You will find out how well (or how poorly) you communicate with your child. Chances are, you will end up sharpening your own skills.
- You will discover the listening strengths and limitations of each of your children. (Watch out about giving multiple commands - about one per each two years of age.)
- More importantly, your child will be much more likely to honor your instruction because you have engaged her brain and emotions.
In a nutshell, engagement is about accountability. When children repeat our instructions, they feel accountable to both their own words and to their adult supervisor.
In the end, whether you have a single child to manage or two-dozen munchkins, the same thing holds true. Engagement is a vital link to true communication.
