("But I AM...!")
Sometimes five-year-old Gracie just amazes you with her maturity. But, on this day, she is whining about going to kindergarten. Exasperated, you blurt out, "Oh Gracie, act your age!"
Now, let's see. Maybe that is exactly what she IS doing...acting like a five-year-old. But, just how IS a five-year-old supposed to act? Who set the standards for five-year-old behavior? Did anyone tell her?
Stop for a moment and think what you are doing to your child when you say that to her:
- You are intimidating her. Even though her behavioral choices are not the best, you are imposing a standard on her that she has not yet embraced for herself.
- You are undercutting her precious "big girl" self-image. Almost every young child likes to be "big". After all, to them, that's what growing up is all about.
- You are probably protecting your own ego. Quite honestly, you are probably embarrassed that you haven't done a better job of training your child.
Fortunately, you can make your point without any of the above risks or damage. Try this:
- First, ask your Gracie, "Honey, how old are you?" Quickly, she will answer, "Five."
- Now ask her, "About how old is the behavior you're using right now (or, were using)?" After a brief pause, she will sheepishly admit to something like, "Two, or three."
- Now, simply ask, "Would you please show me how a five-year-old goes to kindergarten?"If your Gracie is like most children, she will quickly agree to show you what you have requested.
What is different about this approach? Night and day.
- First, you are giving her the opportunity to set her own five-year-old behavior standard, rather than asking her to mindlessly accept yours.
- Next, instead of undercutting her self- image, you are helping her build it up by giving her a chance to show you what she CAN do.
- Finally, your personal embarrassment is no longer an issue because the responsibility of improved choices is now hers.
As you consciously and patiently apply this approach, you will see your child choose the behavior of, not just her age, but behavior well beyond her years.
