...and other empty add-ons
Very clearly, you explain to your six-year-old, Chad, why his homework has to be finished before he may watch TV. You finish your decree with an emphatic, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"
You mean well. But STOP: ask yourself, "Do you know what Chad understands? " How do you know?
How about replacing, "Do you understand?" with, "What are you going to do?"
You see, we tend to assume that our children are listening and understanding when we talk. That's when we use expressions like, "Do you understand?", "OK?", "Alright?", etc.
Later, when their actions show that they weren't really paying attention, we respond with frustration . even anger. Then comes the old, "How many times do I have to tell you . (whatever)!"
As our children's first and primary teachers, we need to pay attention to how children learn. You don't have to be trained teacher to realize that your child's "OK" doesn't necessarily mean that he is understanding or agreeing with you.
That's why we recommend a follow-up question that requires feedback.
- First, it's important for you to see how well you have communicated . or whether you have communicated at all.
- Second, it is a well-known fact that a child's verbal response helps him to clarify his understanding. After all, it is quite possible for a child to appear to be listening when his brain is nowhere near yours!
- Third, the follow-through factor kicks in much more readily when a child is asked to review his understanding of what is expected of him. In the end, his sense of accomplishment is raised and his character grows another notch.
- On the other hand, if you see that you haven't communicated well, you have a chance to repeat your instruction, or approach the issue from another angle. In that way, you reduce frustration and confrontation down the road.
So, what are you going to say immediately after asking a child to do something? The expression is, "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?" It's quite simple, but immensely important and infinitely better than "Do you understand?" OK?!?
