At times, the "sergeant" in us takes over. There we are, commanding our little charges around like a bunch of soldiers. "But," you ask, "how can you get things done any other way? The kids do need direction, after all."

Of course they do. That's your job. But, if your primary means of guiding your kids is with orders and commands, their development is being seriously short-changed. How so?

• Orders and commands teach a child to rely on an external voice (yours) for their guidance, while sensitivity to their "inner voice" (conscience) suffers.
• Orders and commands by-pass a child's need to think for himself.
• Orders and commands make you vulnerable, because your leadership can so easily be challenged or ignored.

For these reasons and more, we suggest that most direction from adults to children be delivered in the form of questions. Yes, it's an extra mental step. Anyone knows that the shortest, most efficient way to get a child to do something is to just tell him to do it. But, is that the main thing, or is his personal development important too? If so, then consider what well-placed questions do:

• First, they honor him as a real person who has his own brain and can use it.
• Second, questions engage both mind and will - essential components of positive character development.
• Third, questions can't be "blown off" or ignored as easily as commands, because they inherently encourage a response.

So, now your directive to Katie is, "What time do you need to be ready to leave?"

Charlie's guidance becomes, "Where are you going to be keeping your hands?"

April is helped with, "Now, where does your bottom belong?"

Finally, Chad gets asked, "How do I know whose paper this is?"

In this way, you guide your child and encourage his inner development at the same time. Now, that's true efficiency!