Opposition or Opportunity?

If you work with children, you know this complaint. Imagined or real, it comes with the territory.

Some “promises” arise out of innocent discussions about what to do. Or, maybe you cave in just to get the kids off your back.

Time and space cannot contain all the stories of disappointments over broken promises. Even if a child doesn’t object at the time, the greater damage may come later as resentment builds.

How to handle this issue?

• Make specific plans – not just “someday” or “maybe”. Put specific plans on your calendar where both you and the children can see them.
• Before you commit to a plan, stop and think through how this or that plan will affect the other parts of your lives. It’s easy to double-schedule or to plan something that costs more time or money than is available.
• Review your plans frequently. This will help everyone involved to schedule around the plan.
• Plan in cycles. Build spaces in your lives and plug events into them, rather than the other way around. Once a month do an outing like going to the zoo. Once a week the kids may “sleep-over” with a friend, etc.
• Put conditions on your plans and make them clear. Maybe it’s cleaning the room. Maybe it’s getting homework done. However, be willing to cancel plans if the conditions aren’t met ... really!
• Avoid inexact conditions like, “If you’re good”, or “If you eat well.” Such conditions leave the child feeling insecure and, ultimately, resentful if you judge against him.
• Avoid changes to plans. However, if something does interrupt your plan, explain the problem to your kids. Then reschedule the plan: don’t just let it hang out there.
• Avoid the word “promise”. Call it a plan, an idea, an activity…anything except “promise”. Whatever you call it, your children will learn integrity as you follow the plan together.

Use these ideas and you will have many happy and fulfilling hours with your children. Remember, however, that this is a very sensitive issue that needs to be treated with the greatest of care.