The mother's concern was obvious. It was about her five-year-old son. The problem was rudeness - toward her, toward his friends, actually, toward everyone.
"I don't understand it," she wondered out loud. "I constantly compliment him and give him all the support he could possibly need. And what do I get? A kick in the shorts!"
Her frustration is common. In a world where children are often pampered with innumerable advantages, the outcome is frequently less than pleasant - ingratitude, rudeness, self-centeredness.
So, what's missing? While childhood rudeness or selfishness are a complicated subject, a strong clue is found in the idea of affirming (vs. merely complimenting) a child. To 'affirm' is to support or uphold the validity of another person. As such, it represents a much larger picture than 'compliment'.
- It means that you recognize and respect someone else as a real live person, like yourself.
- It means that the concerns and interests of that person are worthy of sincere recognition.
The fact is that mere compliments can 'spoil' a child if applied too liberally and too often. Why? Because a constant diet of compliments tends to encourage self-centeredness. In fact, they can quickly become the primary reason to do a commendable thing in the future.
So, do we suggest discontinuing the use of compliments? Not really. Just tuck them into affirming comments, like, "Thanks, honey, for taking care of your little sister so kindly."
Here's the bottom line: instead of using compliments to recognize or encourage your child, use gratitude, and lots of it. Not gushy, insincere, mindless words. Just plain, sincere, heartfelt expressions of appreciation that tell your child that you sincerely value him and what he does.
- In the end, expressions of gratitude affirm the value of a person far more eloquently than compliments.
- Affirmations can even include constructive criticism, thereby helping a child have a more balanced (and more realistic) view of himself and his work.
So, what's happening to compliments? They are getting included in comments of gratitude, which affirm and support your child in a safe and wholesome way.
Remember:
- Compliments go to the ego, but
- "Thank you" goes to the heart.
