But, the evidence is clear. His face is still dirty. You have a choice. You can:

• Directly challenge his answer, as in, "Oh no you didn’t. Go back and wash your face!"
• Or, you can be indirect, like, "Would you please show me how you did that?"

What’s the difference? Both ways get the face washed, after all.

Here’s the deal. Every waking moment is a learning moment. You can either use that moment to build character or to encourage robotic reactions.

When you use direct commands and directives:

• You encourage his robotic side. In other words, when he simply does what you say, it feels good to you, but what have you accomplished inside that child?
• You risk a contest of wills. A strong-willed child is more likely to interpret this situation as your will against his.
• You risk undermining his self-image. Yes, his face washing needs correction. But, you don’t need to suggest that he’s a liar or emphasize how wrong he is.
• You are missing an opportunity to notice shortcomings in the way he washes his face.

In contrast, when you ask Benjamin to show you how he did that, several things happen:

• He has the pleasure of your undivided attention.
• You avoid unnecessary confrontation about whether he washed his face.
• You have the opportunity to see what needs to be corrected in his face washing practice.
• He has the opportunity to show you what he can do, thus building inner confidence.
• You have made small contributions to the growth of his character, his intellect, his emotions and his hygiene.

If you make a practice of using this kind of indirect guidance, your children gradually become more and more able to follow their inner guidance and need less and less of your direct, external direction. That, after all, is what we all want in our children. And this approach is a big help in developing the sensitivity we seek.